Good Idea: Playing your Xbox 360 on a widescreen HD television
Bad Idea: Playing your Xbox 360 on a 14-inch Powerpoint TV
Good Idea: Locking up the house with the dog out.
Bad Idea: Locking up the house with the dog in
Good Idea: Choosing Gius Hiddink as your club manager.
Bad Idea: Choosing Steve Staunton as your club manager.
Good Idea: Getting a doctor’s degree through college.
Bad Idea: Getting a doctor’s degree through watching “Grey’s Anatomy”
Good Idea: Watching the Irish soccer team on RTE.
Bad Idea: watching the Irish soccer team on TV3
Every time they are on TV3, they either lose or perform very poorly in narrow wins against weak opposition
Good Idea: hanging up billboards before an election
Bad Idea: hanging up billboards after an election
Billboards left up after an election are classified as litter and is punishable by heavy fine
Good Idea: Playing football in the park
Bad Idea: Playing football in front of the Garda station
Good Idea: confessing your sins to a priest
Bad Idea: confessing your sins to an undercover cop
Good Idea: giving money to charity
Bad Idea: giving money to a scammer posing as a charity
Good Idea: Cutting the rose with the hedge clippers
Bad Idea: Cutting your friend named Rose with the hedge clippers
Good Idea: Having the bride at the wedding reception
Bad Idea: Having “The Bride” (from Kill Bill) at the wedding reception
Good Idea: Having your children watch The Den at 1 o’clock
Bad Idea: Having your children watch the news at 1 o’clock
Good Idea: Drinking water as a hangover cure
Bad Idea: Drinking Red Bull as a hangover cure
Good Idea: Building a house in a neighbourhood
Bad Idea: Building a house in a cemetery
Good Idea: Having staff in a shop
Bad Idea: Leaving the shop unattended
Good Idea: Playing pop music at a birthday party
Bad Idea: Playing pop music at a funeral wake
Good Idea: Taking a parachute before jumping off the plane
Bad Idea: Taking Red Bull before jumping off the plane
Good Idea: Putting your entire savings fund in your bank account
Bad Idea: Putting your entire savings fund on your credit card
Good Idea: Getting a Sky satellite dish
Bad Idea: Getting a Lidl satellite dish
For Lidl, you have to install the dish yourself, and they usually deliver poor signals
Good Idea: Getting a diploma/degree in your chosen study
Bad Idea: Letting it go to waste
Good Idea: Using LimeWire on your PC at home
Bad Idea: Using LimeWire in an internet café
Good Idea: Posting a lovely message on Bebo
Bad Idea: Posting a malicious message on Bebo
Good Idea: Playing your black metal* records at home
Bad Idea: Playing your black metal records at church
*Black metal is a form of anti-Christian heavy metal. Examples include Deicide, Cradle of Filth
Good Idea: Cutting down trees with a chainsaw
Bad Idea: Cutting down electricity poles with a chainsaw
Good Idea: Drinking Mi-Wadi juice with water
Bad Idea: Drinking it on its own
Good Idea: Going out fishing on a sunny day
Bad Idea: Going out fishing in an Atlantic storm
Good Idea: Watching “The Omen”
Bad Idea: Watching “The Omen” remake
Good Idea: Acting as Big Brother to your kids
Bad Idea: Putting your kids on Big Brother
Good Idea: Singing off-key in a pub
Bad Idea: Singing off-key on “American Idol”
Good Idea: Supporting the Galway football team
Bad Idea: Supporting the Roscommon football team
Good Idea: Putting on the film (The Wizard of) Oz for your kids
Bad Idea: Putting on the HBO series Oz for your kids
Good Idea: Playing Pink’s “Get The Party Started” at your kids’ party
Bad Idea: Playing Pink’s “Hooker” at your kids’ party
“Hooker” contains the lyrics: “if you’ve wanna be a hooker, selling your f**king soul”
Good Idea: Lighting scented candles at your shop
Bad Idea: Mistaking dynamite for above and lighting them at your shop
Good Idea: Doing your weekly shopping in Aldi or Lidl
Bad Idea: Doing your weekly shopping in a convenience store
Good Idea: Getting prescriptions from the local pharmacy
Bad Idea: Getting prescriptions from a drug dealer
Good Idea: Frying your chips in refined vegetable oil
Bad Idea: Frying your chips in hydrogenated vegetable oil
Good Idea: Watching film credits on DVD
Bad Idea: Watching film credits on RTE
On RTE: “The End” graphic comes up the second end credits show on screen
Good Idea: Having a TopShop in your town
Bad Idea: Having a TopShop but no TopMan in your town
Good Idea: Dating Kate Moss
Bad Idea: Dating Amy Winehouse
Good Idea: Putting a photo of your friend on Flickr
Bad Idea: Putting a photo of your friend naked on Flickr
Good Idea: Blowing a cat whistle in the park
Bad Idea: Blowing a cat whistle in the dog pound
Good Idea: Taking your German shepherd for a walk
Bad Idea: Taking your pit bull terrier for a walk
Good Idea: Selling Ronaldo for at least £50 million
Bad Idea: Letting Ronaldo go on free transfer
Good Idea: Giving your movie rights to James Cameron
Bad Idea: Giving your movie rights to Uwe Boll
Good Idea: Having fish stew served to you on Ash Wednesday
Bad Idea: Having electric eel stew served to you on Ash Wednesday
Good Idea: Having fried egg at breakfast
Bad Idea: Having raw egg at breakfast
Good Idea: Sending a picture of your family to a photo studio for framing
Bad Idea: Sending a picture of your butt to a photo studio for framing
Good Idea: Having a birthday card’s price differ in the till from the price displayed on the shelf at Tesco
Bad Idea: Having a 50-inch LCD TV’s price differ in the till from the price displayed on the shelf at Tesco
No quibble guarantee, customer gets it absolutely free
Good Idea: Listening to the piped music at HMV
Bad Idea: Listening to the piped music at Tesco
Generic supermarket music, or cheesy cover versions by (mostly) the manager
Good Idea: Taking your kids out to see the clown Ronald Mc Donald
Bad Idea: Taking your kids out to see the clown from Stephen King’s “It”
Good Idea: Betting on France to win the Six Nations rugby
Bad Idea: Betting on Italy to win the Six Nations rugby
Good Idea: Voting for Fine Gael in the next General Election
Bad Idea: Voting for Fianna Fail in the next General Election
Good Idea: Selling your Xbox 360 game on Ebay
Bad Idea: Selling your Xbox 360 game at GameStop
Trade in value at GameStop: 5 euro or less
Good Idea: Using your camera phone at the wedding
Bad Idea: Using your camera phone in the cinema
Good Idea: Giving your kids After Eight chocolate mints
Bad Idea: Giving your kids Green & Black organic chocolate mints
Green & Black mint bars contain alcohol
Good Idea: Calling in to Sasha the DJ
Bad Idea: Calling in to Sasha the clothes shop
Good Idea: Sending a document on MS Word by email
Bad Idea: Sending a document on MS Works Word Processor by email
Most people don’t use Works
Good Idea: Having your dog digging holes in the garden to bury his bone
Bad Idea: Having your dog digging holes in the graveyard to bury his bone
Good Idea: Watching Sky
Bad Idea: Watching Chorus/NTL
Chorus is unreliable and has poor customer support
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Four old Worf productions
Louise's Beauty Studio, Roscommon - released November 2009
Molloys Lifestyle Pharmacy, Roscommon, released March 2008
Frances Finishing Touches, Roscommon - released August 2007
Mary Raftery Jewellers, Roscommon - released May 2008
Judy Greene Pottery Galway (Worf production)
Cultural and other references- Galway Hooker (boats) - painting refers to this
- Judy Greene Connemara range (craft) - a window display devoted to recently announced range
- "Shop Local Galway"
- Frances Crowe lamb watercolour (painting) - displayed on window
- Mindy Brownes/Genesis (craft) - poster and shelves on top windows refer to this
- Zhivago Galway closure, Jan 2011 (event) - "Galway has no independent record store - who wants one in the town" poster
- "ROSCOMMON HAS NO CINEMA - WHO WANTS ONE IN THE TOWN" (Facebook page) - "Galway has no independent record store - who wants one in the town" poster
- Munster 2011 Heineken Cup campaign () - "Life in Hell" includes the squad along with Hitler and Nixon. Munster exited the competition in the first round a week earlier.
- Galway Arts Festival (event) - "Cat and Fiddles" sculpture in top window refers to said craft arranged for the 10th event
- Volvo Ocean Race 2012 (event) - poster refers to this upcoming major run
Scissor Sister Roscommon (Worf production)
Cultural & other references- Beauty Secrets (Roscommon business) - Total hair removal advert refers to this; Facebook photo profile hanging on right wall
- michellemadethis.com/world record knitting attempt (event) - Poster refers to this
- Laura Hanlon Millinery (business) - poster refers to this
- "ROSCOMMON HAVE NO CINEMA - WHO WANTS ONE IN THE TOWN" Facebook page - poster refers to this; Total hair poster - "Roscommon may have no cinema but it now has Ireland's hottest impulse buy"
Galaxy Hair & Beauty - a Worf production for salon in Roscommon
Cultural (and other) references- Signature Flowers (Roscommon flower shop) - advert on window refers to this
- Old School of Holistic Therapies (business) - botched cottage poster, using pastel, refers to north Roscommon shop;
- Wella Trend Vision (competition) - poster advertising staff member in the finals
- Lynda Mc Farland (nutritional therapist) - poster refers to this
- GHD Kiss (product) - at the time the painting was released, this was the big thing
November snow
The roads in Mote Park forest outside Roscommon (shown here) and elsewhere were akin to ice rinks. In Roscommon, only the Comfy cafe craft fair went ahead, all other events were cancelled. All-nighter thunderstorms in Dublin preceded this.
November snow - even Guns N Roses were gobsmacked
First came the sleet and the ice, then came the white stuff.
Repost of what should have happened in the Aviva, Irl v France Six Nations
FILE & FRENCH PUNISH
a vignettes of terror special
Dozens of people are wheeled out of the smoking bar interior on stretchers, to waiting ambulances nearby, some of them in body bags....
--------------------------------------------------------
Brian and Martha are in Dublin's O'Connell St, the next day. Dozens of people, the majority being Irish rugby supporters, surround them as they make their way to the Aviva Stadium for Ireland's crunch tie.
Brian: Hang on! I need to get something from the shop first.
Martha: Don't be too long! The match is on in an hour and doors close in half an hour.
[Brian sees two Centras and three Spars in the immediate vicinity]
Brian: Now which Spar should I go in to?
He chooses the nearest shop to him. Inside, the shop assistant is berating an English-speaking French rugby supporter.
French supporter: 5.95 for a sandwich? What kind of country is this?
Assistant: Take it or leave it!
French supporter: But you're in a deep recession and still charging Celtic Tiger prices! What's wrong with ya?
Brian rejoins Martha and they continue.
----------------------------------------------------------
---RTE Two. Last advert in ad break----
[Discover Ireland advert. Heathers "Remember When" starts up]
Voice: Where will Ireland take you......today?
[Various shots of Athlone's main street. A few empty units are visible!]
Heathers: "I remember when, when we sat outside,
Digesting norriture that didn't suit their eyes....
[Part of St Peter & Paul's church has some graffiti visible]
[Athlone St Patricks Day parade]
"I need to go, I need to get away from everything"
[Pedestrians at bridge pass by the castle "Closed for renovations"]
Voice: Discover Ireland. Where will it take you?
-----Ireland Rugby theme tune (In association with Guinness "It's alive inside")-----
Ryle Nugent: This is a historic day for Irish rugby, which doesn't exactly give the Grand Slam a run for its money, but comes close. The Six Nations has returned to the new-look Landsdowne Road, or what we call now the Aviva Stadium. And isn't the atmosphere electric?
Tony Ward: The whole stadium is draped in the Tri-colour. I can barely see the red, white and blue flags in among all the green. Although I have reservations....
Nugent: Yeah, after the unpleasantness of the Euro 2012 qualifier against Russia in which Martin Hansson and other UEFA officials were brutally assaulted by a group of our own supporters, who managed to break free onto the pitch after another disputed handball goal.
Ward: We don't want the same happening at this match. The players are still nursing their wounds from last year's game in Paris.
Nugent: This is the Ireland 15. Brian O'Driscoll is back wearing the captain's armband despite the injury....
Ward: ...which he faked....
Nugent: Don't start! ...which he sustained at Leinster's Magners League match against the Ospreys last November. There are a lot of changes in the backs from the Autumn tests, with Andrew Trimble on the left wing, and Gerry Flannery once again retains his place as hooker, while Ronan O'Gara is back fit after the minor injury he had at last week's training session.
Ward: ..and this is the French line-up, with our tormentor in the past, Vincent Clerc, wearing the captain's armband, and Rougerie and Ducalcon on the wings.
Nugent: That's the last thing we need, we don't want a Croke Park repeat. Rory Best, who scored the winning try against Sale Sharks in the Heineken Cup in December, is replacement hooker on the bench.
[The French national anthem]
And there seems to be a lot of boos from a small section of the crowd in the north side.....
Ward: Probably from the Thierry Henry handball, nothing to worry about. Besides, security has improved from the old Lansdowne Road.
["Ireland's Call"]
Players: IRE-LAND.....IRE-LAND. We Never Walk Alone.
SHOU-LDER....SHOU--L--DER....[this time it's out of tune]
Ward: I've heard a cow belch the National Anthem better than this. This is not the way to fire the team up for a crucial tie like this one.
Nugent: Still would have done better than Niamh Kavanagh at last year's Eurovision though. OK, which France will turn up?
Ward: It'll probably be the France which dismantled us last season. Then again, they tend to underperform away from home. I'd say France will edge it, despite the home support.
[said home support raise their voice and drown the commentators' voices]
Nugent: ..the teams now strip away the tracksuits and we're all set. In shot, Clerc, winning his 92nd cap. The RBS Six Nations is under way for Ireland! Immediately the ref has seen a knock forward for France! Here comes Clerc! He's ripping through the Ireland back line as if it were hot butter! Flannery and Best behind him but no luck! Clerc gets the try for France, and you couldn't have asked for a worse start for Ireland...
Ward: Trimble must be kicking himself after that knock. Clerc broke Irish hearts in Croker four years back and now he's done the same here in the new Aviva Stadium. Alexis Palisson for the conversion.....
[all silent, when the conversion is on target, we can hear more boos]
France 7-0 up after one and a half minutes.
Nugent: Can Ireland bounce back from this? Paul O'Connell looking for a way through the French back-line, but Poux has the ball. Away comes Poux, who passes it to Domingo, Ireland scrambling their defense to keep the ball out of their 22, Nallet has it but it's a lineout for Ireland.
Ward: Good defensive play from Heaslip and Wallace.
Nugent: Brian O'Driscoll for the lineout, but it's Parra who has the ball! And look at the Irish back-line! It's all over the place! Parra passes it to Palisson, but Wallace intercepts. The referee's blown the whistle. It appears Wallace has fouled Palisson.
Referee:--- Pushing opponents forbidden under new rules and classified as professional foul. Penalty try for France.---
Nugent: This is turning out to be a repeat of last year's match.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Nugent: The pace of this French side is something to behold, Ireland energy sapping in defence, Heaslip having a very bad opening 30 minutes...
Suddenly we hear fireworks going off, an almighty bang can be heard from behind the French try-line.
Ward: The ref's blown the whistle. Something's going down at the North End. One of the lines-men are on the ground, which I think is seriously hurt. Stewards and paramedics are coming to his aid....
Nugent: This is really bad. I expected to see scenes like this in the bad old days of English football, but not in rugby.
[Boos and shouts from the North end.]
Ward: This is very hard to watch! Our own supporters! They're ripping up the seats....This is going to turn into Heysel if this is not contained.
Nugent: There is a lot of French rugby support in the north end of the Aviva. They're being cornered by the ever-increasing army of rioters. Security has not seen this coming. If this continues, forget Croker 07, this will be Ireland's darkest hour.
Ward: Any chance they may be Orange rioters released on bail? Because this will raise serious questions for our judicial system if they are.
Nugent: They're firing seats, wood, scaffolding, anything they can get their hands on at the French players on the pitch! Clerc's been hit! Clerc's been hit!
Ward: Look at the blood on his face! If this is revenge for 2007, this is not the way.
[whistles are heard in among the chaos]
Nugent: Whistle blown, whistle blown, the referee has declared the match abandoned....[Ward interrupts him]
Ward: If there are any children watching this, I suggest they switch off or turn the channel now. Word has just come in from the North side that one of the rioters have snatched a newborn from one of the French supporters and fired.----
Nugent: Don't say any more! Evacuation is in place! The crowd are desperately trying to get out of the stadium ---
---------------------------------------------------
In among the evacuations. Brian and Martha are on their seats.
Brian: Looks like Currys anti-French World Cup ads have really gotten to those lot. Scumbags.
Martha: We'd better go! Now! Before they get to our side.
[a hail of fireworks disperse among the crowd. Cue lots of screaming. Many of them, including Brian, Martha scarper onto the pitch. A woman and her young child look on in stunned silence.....]
They look on through the smoke and see into the north end, as a rioter takes off his Irish rugby jersey and reveals a black T-shirt with skull logo underneath....then reveals a concealed AK-47 assault rifle....
Female voice: [screaming] COMBAT 18!!!!! EVERYBODY, RUN!!! NOW!!!!!
The rioter lets rip with his assault rifle on the crowd below. Pandemonium instantly ensues as they rush for the exits. Two people trip up on the Heineken billboards before scarpering into the stands. The rest are in a frenzied dash for the exit in the south side. AK-47 shots can be heard from the North end, but the smoke from the fireworks and distance from the South where the crowd are ensure nobody suffers a direct hit.
------------------------------------------------------
Back to RTE commentary....
Ward: Shots fired! Shots fired! I really hope nobody is hurt down there!
Nugent: And we know our supporters wouldn't willingly go on rampages like these. The rioters are taking off their jerseys and ----
Ward: Combat 18. The same scum which ripped up Lansdowne Road in 1995. They're back, and this time they've brought the whole artillery.
Nugent: Word has gone out to the Garda superintendent that this is no ordinary riot, and it's a potential bloodbath. Armoured riot squads have been deployed.
Ward: A couple of Orange rioters are among the Combat 18 group and continue ripping up the stands. The stadium is virtually empty now and the riot squad can be sent in. Back to you, George Hook, what do you make of this horrible tragedy?
Hook: I only specialise in rugby rivalries, not rivalries that involve blood....
Nugent: All right, all right, okay. But given the exceptional circumstances, what are the implications for Ireland? Where do we go from here?
Hook: If the IRB turn a blind eye toward this and conclude it was our support who started these riots, it'll be back to the RBS Five Nations next year. Contested by Italy, Wales, France, Scotland and England.
Nugent: Hopefully the IRB will view video footage closely and expose Combat 18.
[Riot squad and Combat 18 engage in hail of bullets]
Hook: Can we have Croke Park back, dear GAA? This is more like the Baghdad Aviva Stadium and not our own---
----------------------------------------------------------
AA Roadwatch chopper over the Aviva Stadium area.
AA Roadwatch pilot: Traffic is at a standstill in Ballsbridge as Irish rugby supporters escape the riots unfolding in the Aviva Stadium pitch. Traffic lights are out in the Dublin 4 area.
On the ground, Brian and Martha continue scampering along with many others as gunshots continue to ring around the area.
Martha: Jesus....the new stadium is on fire!!
The sound of AK-47 assault rifle eminate closer....
Brian: Keep running! Combat 18's out of their cage!
Rifle shots pierce car windows and tyres. One empty car explodes in spectacular ball of flame! Cue hurried panic among the dispersing crowd as they rush into back alleys and shortcuts. We follow Brian and Martha's frantic footsteps as bullets rain all around, eventually they enter O'' Connell Street. An explosion can be heard....
Brian: Holy shit! They've brought grenades!
Combat 18 rioters and Garda riot squad members follow the crowd into O'Connell Street. "Oh no, not the Orange riots all over again" whimper one female squad member.
---------------------------------------------------------
We are in the ground floor of HMV Henry Street as punters browse, the sound of Cathy Davey's new album serenating the area.
Punter 1: Owl City album for 2.99?
Punter 2: I always knew "Fireflies" was a one hit wonder.
Other punters: [wearing black T-shirts] Basement. Let's see if the new In Flames album is out.
Dunno if it can top "The Jester Race". "A Sense of Purpose" wasn't that great.
Other punters: I loved that last series of "The Inbetweeners"
Oh look! Glee season 2 vol 1 out already!
Simpsons season 20 not flying off the shelves-----
The sound of grenade fire drowns out Cathy Davey's "Little Red". Punters drop objects and rush outside.
.....and witness the grenade explosion compromise the foundations of the Spire, so much that it buckles and cracks. Like a tree being uprooted in a Force 11 gale, the hard rock of the Spire bends over in the direction of Henry Street. With an almighty bang, the 398 ft structure spectacularly drops ontp the street and shoppers below....Cue scampering into any open shop door thay can find. The unfortunate still outside are crushed by the sheer weight of combined rock and stainless steel as the Spire, upon impact, is split into hundreds of fragments, destroying several shopfronts as it does so.....
-------------------------------------------------------------
Brian and Martha jump traffic at O'Connell Bridge and scamper into Fitzsimons Hotel nearby.
Martha: [panting] I think we're safe now.
Brian: [panting] They're over on the other side of the bridge. We're far away from them now, I believe.
Instead of Six Nations rugby showing, the 42-inch TV in the foyer is tuned to Sky News. "ORANGE RIOTS ACT II" main headline flashing as pictures of the Aviva Stadium and street war are shown.
Sky News reporter: I couldn't believe what I was seeing before my eyes....oh my God....the Spire is in mere fragments on the Henry Street tarmac...I do hope no one was killed...
SN newscaster: We have to hold you there, there's breaking news coming in from Paris. Combat 18 members are rioting as we speak, at the foot of the Eiffel Tower.....
Paris correspondent: [from tall building rooftop] Indeed there's serious rioting in the streets! I'm reporting from up here in this building to keep safe, and......[loud bangs from Eiffel Tower base] Jesus! I don't believe this! This is not a riot, this is an all-out terrorist attack! Paris is about to lose its skyline....[in a massive cloud of dust, the tower slowly collapses, just like tower one of the World Trade Center in 9/11] I can't bear to watch...!
SN newscaster: Are you still there?---
Suddenly, three Combat 18 members burst into the foyer. With no warning, and as we descend into slow motion, they fire their AK-47's on the crowd, including Brian and Martha, who are caught in their crosshairs......
Martha: [in searing pain from hail of bullets] Brian........BRIAN!!!!
Brian looks at Martha, then the approaching Combat 18 member, then fade to white......
-------------------------------------------------------------------
We hear the sound of a gale force wind at full force. A newspaper strews along Lansdowne Road pavement, the date reading "March 15 2014". We then look at the Aviva Stadium...
"TO LET - 1,459 FT PROPERTY AND OFFICE SPACE. SUITABLE FOR USE AS A MIXED-USE FACILITY"
Then we open up in Limerick. Munster's Thomond Park is displaying the same To Let sign.....
The same can be spotted in Tolka Park in Dublin, the RDS, Dubarry Park in Athlone.
Eventually we are at Connacht's Sportsground in Galway, with the same fate. A radio can be heard from Ivy House B & B nearby.
Galway Bay FM: In today's sport, the draw for Euro 2016 has been made, and this is the first European Championship qualifiers without the Republic of Ireland, having relinquished FIFA membership in the wake of the 2/11 terrorist attacks. England are drawn against France and Bulgaria. In the RBS Five Nations championship, England edged out France in Twickenham by 27 to 25, and Italy beat Scotland in a close match, the final scoreline 21-19. Wales' preparation for their crunch tie with England next week has been severely hampered by Jenkins' hamstring injury.....
-------------------------------------------------------------END--------------------------------------------------------------------------
a vignettes of terror special
It is a dark and rainy night in Paris, the low pressure system which had flooded Ireland's midlands two days previously now turning its menacing sights towards the European mainland. A local man exits the Cathedral Notre Dame where vigil Mass had just been completed and is strolling up the street, where the various apartments and outbuildings have been draped in a sea of blue. white and red flags. It is 2009, three days after the French soccer team qualified for the following year's World Cup. Celebrations are still ensuing which can be heard from late night cafe bars nearby. "Viva Henry!" etc can be audible. Eventully he proceeds through an alleyway which leads to his apartment block, when his senses are aroused by a loud noise:
Man: Qu'est-ce qu'etait cela?
The noise startles him for a few seconds, then the sound of running footsteps put him into adrenaline mode. The assiliant's heavy breathing does not do him any favours either. He reaches a dead-end wall, but his adrenaline gives him enough strength to climb over it. On the other side, however is another alley with an Irish-based public house. The local man recovers his strength to run, but he is barely out of the alley when his arms are caught by two young men with Ireland soccer jerseys equipped....
Man: Ce qui est vous en me faisant?!
Young man 1: You're coming with us.
Young man 2: Yeah, the owner wants to see you.
The local man screams for help with no avail as he is dragged into the pub. Next shot, he is thrown like a refuse bag onto the bar floor.
Man: Ce qui fait vous voulez de moi, je n'ai falt rien!
Young man 1: Sorry, guv, don't understand your gobbley-gook language. Here comes the boss now!
The boss turns out to be the assiliant who was chasing him earlier. The local man sweats as he approaches......
Bar owner: Little Frenchie, time for payback!
......as Glen Hansard's "Falling Slowly" starts up in the jukebox....
Man: AIDE!! AIDE!!! AIDE!!!
The sound of a knife scraping slowly against flesh is audible during the song's quiet moments.....
Bar owner: Cheat your way to the World Cup, eh? Think we can forgive and forget as usual? Not this time, buddy.
The local man's screams are barely audible as the jukebox's volume is at maximum setting, only that can be heard from outside.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dublin, Ireland, with RTE One DOG up on the right-hand side. The opening credits of "Dragon's Den" start up. It's 2011.
Richard Curran: Last year on Dragon's Den....
[Ruth Ruane is presenting her White Witch business]
Niall O'Farrell: I am very upset, but not with you...I'm out.
Sarah Newman: I'm out.
[Herbie Porsche with his Toilet Pipe Cover thingy]
Gavin Duffy: I am willing to offer you 25,000 euro for 40% stake.
Sarah Newman: [to unknown male] I know this electric hammer will do wonders for the DIY industry and change the world for the 21st Century, but I'm out.
Richard Curran: There were many success stories in series 2.....which all failed.
On to the first budding entrepreneur of series 3.
Richard Curran: First up is Mark Cassidy, the owner of a range of head shops across Dublin city centre.
Mark: Hi, I'm Mark Cassidy, and I'm from Stillorgan in county Dublin. I'm a drug shop owner specialising in legal highs with over six months professional experience. I have discovered a major gap in the drugs trade in the inner Dublin city area with drug dealers handing over merchandise for silly money and, um, getting arrested. So I have set up my own business - "High As A Kite" which specialise in a wide range of yep, you guessed it, "legal highs". Let me show you what I have on offer:
He displays a range of products, which come in sachets similar to White Witch.
Mark: First up is this product "Kava", which induces relaxation and perfect if you are a social phobe being dragged into a nightclub by buddies who may not be your friends. Also, I have Kratom for psychoactivity and bypasses the need for a so-called psycho the rapist. Betel Nut removes your appetite and can be used in Third World countries where food doesn't exist. Wormwood, salvia, ahyhuasca produce the same effects as LSD and marijuana, and best of all, they're legal. I hope to get an investment of 200,000 euro in return for a 25% stake in "High As A Kite" and I invite you to sample some of my products and welcome any questions.
Gavin Duffy: Thank you
Richard Curran: One of the most confident presentations in the series so far, Mark Cassidy wants to introduce some highs into our dreary, recession-fueled lives. And believe us, there are no more highs to sample in this country. But will the Dragons, who are also hit by the recession with a 75% pay cut to their salaries enforced by the European Broadcasting Union, warm to his products?
Sarah Newman: Do these "highs", can they be ingested on their own or do you have to chase it down with water?
Sean Gallagher: What is the guarantee on these products? Are they safe, or will I have complications later, like a hyper heartbeat even when I'm resting?
Mark: No, they're 100% safe.
Later...
Richard Curran: Mark's positivity and confident presentation seems to be going down well with all five Dragons, especially Niall O'Farrell who is now cross-eyed.
Niall O'Farrell: Hi Mark, I'm Niall. I like your presentation and I like your produuccc---ttt [his speech is slurred] I have tried that salvia of yours and I LIKE IT! Now, what are your projected sales for 2009-10, given that you only started six months ago and took advantage of the loophole in our "at least three years experience required" rule which does not cover drugs?
Mark: I hope to make upwards of 70,000 to 80,000 euro with all of my stores in the city, all diverted from pushy drug dealers, with a net profit of 20,000
Niall O'Farrell: Okay.
Richard Curran: The Dragons usually like projected sales figures like this, but some of them are indeed "high as a kite".
Gavin Duffy: You said that you are hoping for a high sales turnover of 20,000 plus. Where are you getting that figure from? 'Cos shops like these tend to have bombscares and fires and all that.
Mark: The more drug dealers rotting in Mountjoy, the more money I make. Simple as that.
Gavin: OK.
Sean Gallagher: What do you want to do with the 200,000?
Mark: Half of it will be upscaling sources, from areas like Goa in India and full moon party dealers in Israel, and the other half will be expanding into Maynooth and Dun Laoghaire, with a large student population, where my products will help them to relax in their studies.
One Dragon has tested his Kava product.
Bobby Kerr: Mark Cassidy, I really do not see this product competing with.......[the drug kicks in and we can hear his loud snoring]
Sarah Newman: [under effects from his salvia drug] I really, really like your colours, Mark! All the colours of the rainbow! I am willing to offer you the full 200,000 euro in return for the 40% stake. I'm in.
Richard Curran: The normally pushy Sarah has offered Mark the full shebang, and Mark, sensing that he has what he wanted, no longer needs to hear from the other Dragons, who are now higher than drunks at a nightclub. When we come back, after the Dragons have been fully detoxed, Martina Geraghty from Roscommon will showcase her range of health products, from "Molloys Lifestyle Pharmacy"
[we hear from under-the-influence Gavin]
Gavin: All the people from the west of Ireland are SOB's!
---------------------------------------------AD BREAK--------------------------
"It's Ireland v France once again in the Six Nations! Last time, France swiped the Grand Slam from us clinically in a 33-10 victory! Ireland's Call for revenge! Live from the Aviva Stadium this Saturday! 5:30 on RTE Two!"
Man: Qu'est-ce qu'etait cela?
The noise startles him for a few seconds, then the sound of running footsteps put him into adrenaline mode. The assiliant's heavy breathing does not do him any favours either. He reaches a dead-end wall, but his adrenaline gives him enough strength to climb over it. On the other side, however is another alley with an Irish-based public house. The local man recovers his strength to run, but he is barely out of the alley when his arms are caught by two young men with Ireland soccer jerseys equipped....
Man: Ce qui est vous en me faisant?!
Young man 1: You're coming with us.
Young man 2: Yeah, the owner wants to see you.
The local man screams for help with no avail as he is dragged into the pub. Next shot, he is thrown like a refuse bag onto the bar floor.
Man: Ce qui fait vous voulez de moi, je n'ai falt rien!
Young man 1: Sorry, guv, don't understand your gobbley-gook language. Here comes the boss now!
The boss turns out to be the assiliant who was chasing him earlier. The local man sweats as he approaches......
Bar owner: Little Frenchie, time for payback!
......as Glen Hansard's "Falling Slowly" starts up in the jukebox....
Man: AIDE!! AIDE!!! AIDE!!!
The sound of a knife scraping slowly against flesh is audible during the song's quiet moments.....
Bar owner: Cheat your way to the World Cup, eh? Think we can forgive and forget as usual? Not this time, buddy.
The local man's screams are barely audible as the jukebox's volume is at maximum setting, only that can be heard from outside.....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dublin, Ireland, with RTE One DOG up on the right-hand side. The opening credits of "Dragon's Den" start up. It's 2011.
Richard Curran: Last year on Dragon's Den....
[Ruth Ruane is presenting her White Witch business]
Niall O'Farrell: I am very upset, but not with you...I'm out.
Sarah Newman: I'm out.
[Herbie Porsche with his Toilet Pipe Cover thingy]
Gavin Duffy: I am willing to offer you 25,000 euro for 40% stake.
Sarah Newman: [to unknown male] I know this electric hammer will do wonders for the DIY industry and change the world for the 21st Century, but I'm out.
Richard Curran: There were many success stories in series 2.....which all failed.
On to the first budding entrepreneur of series 3.
Richard Curran: First up is Mark Cassidy, the owner of a range of head shops across Dublin city centre.
Mark: Hi, I'm Mark Cassidy, and I'm from Stillorgan in county Dublin. I'm a drug shop owner specialising in legal highs with over six months professional experience. I have discovered a major gap in the drugs trade in the inner Dublin city area with drug dealers handing over merchandise for silly money and, um, getting arrested. So I have set up my own business - "High As A Kite" which specialise in a wide range of yep, you guessed it, "legal highs". Let me show you what I have on offer:
He displays a range of products, which come in sachets similar to White Witch.
Mark: First up is this product "Kava", which induces relaxation and perfect if you are a social phobe being dragged into a nightclub by buddies who may not be your friends. Also, I have Kratom for psychoactivity and bypasses the need for a so-called psycho the rapist. Betel Nut removes your appetite and can be used in Third World countries where food doesn't exist. Wormwood, salvia, ahyhuasca produce the same effects as LSD and marijuana, and best of all, they're legal. I hope to get an investment of 200,000 euro in return for a 25% stake in "High As A Kite" and I invite you to sample some of my products and welcome any questions.
Gavin Duffy: Thank you
Richard Curran: One of the most confident presentations in the series so far, Mark Cassidy wants to introduce some highs into our dreary, recession-fueled lives. And believe us, there are no more highs to sample in this country. But will the Dragons, who are also hit by the recession with a 75% pay cut to their salaries enforced by the European Broadcasting Union, warm to his products?
Sarah Newman: Do these "highs", can they be ingested on their own or do you have to chase it down with water?
Sean Gallagher: What is the guarantee on these products? Are they safe, or will I have complications later, like a hyper heartbeat even when I'm resting?
Mark: No, they're 100% safe.
Later...
Richard Curran: Mark's positivity and confident presentation seems to be going down well with all five Dragons, especially Niall O'Farrell who is now cross-eyed.
Niall O'Farrell: Hi Mark, I'm Niall. I like your presentation and I like your produuccc---ttt [his speech is slurred] I have tried that salvia of yours and I LIKE IT! Now, what are your projected sales for 2009-10, given that you only started six months ago and took advantage of the loophole in our "at least three years experience required" rule which does not cover drugs?
Mark: I hope to make upwards of 70,000 to 80,000 euro with all of my stores in the city, all diverted from pushy drug dealers, with a net profit of 20,000
Niall O'Farrell: Okay.
Richard Curran: The Dragons usually like projected sales figures like this, but some of them are indeed "high as a kite".
Gavin Duffy: You said that you are hoping for a high sales turnover of 20,000 plus. Where are you getting that figure from? 'Cos shops like these tend to have bombscares and fires and all that.
Mark: The more drug dealers rotting in Mountjoy, the more money I make. Simple as that.
Gavin: OK.
Sean Gallagher: What do you want to do with the 200,000?
Mark: Half of it will be upscaling sources, from areas like Goa in India and full moon party dealers in Israel, and the other half will be expanding into Maynooth and Dun Laoghaire, with a large student population, where my products will help them to relax in their studies.
One Dragon has tested his Kava product.
Bobby Kerr: Mark Cassidy, I really do not see this product competing with.......[the drug kicks in and we can hear his loud snoring]
Sarah Newman: [under effects from his salvia drug] I really, really like your colours, Mark! All the colours of the rainbow! I am willing to offer you the full 200,000 euro in return for the 40% stake. I'm in.
Richard Curran: The normally pushy Sarah has offered Mark the full shebang, and Mark, sensing that he has what he wanted, no longer needs to hear from the other Dragons, who are now higher than drunks at a nightclub. When we come back, after the Dragons have been fully detoxed, Martina Geraghty from Roscommon will showcase her range of health products, from "Molloys Lifestyle Pharmacy"
[we hear from under-the-influence Gavin]
Gavin: All the people from the west of Ireland are SOB's!
---------------------------------------------AD BREAK--------------------------
"It's Ireland v France once again in the Six Nations! Last time, France swiped the Grand Slam from us clinically in a 33-10 victory! Ireland's Call for revenge! Live from the Aviva Stadium this Saturday! 5:30 on RTE Two!"
The Dragon's Den clip along with the ad break are being watched by a rather young and stocky built man crouched on his armchair. His sister suddenly bursts in.
Woman: Brian, change your f**king profile photo on Facebook right now!
Brian: Martha, I like it the way it is, thank you very much.
Martha: Take it off, NOW! Everyone's switching off Facebook because your penis is your profile picture, and it's showing up in their Friends column.
Brian: So everyone's seeing my lovely wang! What harm! It's a thing of beauty!
Martha: TAKE IT OFF NOW!!!
Brian: Okay, OKAY! Don't have to be a bitchy cow about it!
Brian hits the computer and logs on to Facebook. While there he spots a page "Kill the French!" He clicks on it and sees it:
"MEET US AT AVIVA STADIUM. PARTY BEGINS ONCE IRELAND GO 10 OR MORE POINTS BEHIND"
then returns to his profile and deletes his porno photo.
[switch off computer, fade to black]
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
At the U-20 Six Nations match in Athlone's Dubarry Park between Ireland and France, Ger Canning is commentating on RTE.
Ger Canning: Sixteen minutes into the second half and Ireland are trailing France by 20 points to 16. Patrick Butler on the lineout...but it's caught by French fly-half Mathieu Belie, who passes to Lacrampe, then to Gimenez. David O'Callaghan on interception but it's still Gimenez, who's now in the Irish 22. Dominic Ryan is in for the tackle, but no luck. Try for France!
Assistant commentator: I think that's that. And Ireland's hopes of winning the U-20 Six Nations disappear for another year.
The French and Irish players and fans all file out of the pitch. A large section of the crowd gather in the Prince Bar. Inside, Foo Fighters "Wheels" blares on the jukebox.
French man 1: [to two local men at the bar counter] [in French accent] Tomorrow, you die at our hands.
French man 2: Yeah, Rougerie's gonna run rings around you and nail a few tries!
Local man 1: No, we're out for revenge against you and especially your soccer team. That incident in Paris still hurts.
French man 1: It does? Ha! And we bribed FIFA at the spot to put the handball decision in Henry's favour!
French man 2: And that's how we won the World Cup! We also bribed FIFA in giving us an easy draw and knockout route.
Local man 2: You......frogs!
Local man 1: That should have been our tournament!
The song gives way to Air "Sing Sang Sung"
French man 1: Hey! This song got us Oscar for best song at expense of The Brothers Movement, your Oscar nomination I believe!
Local man 2: THAT'S IT!!!
A fight between the French and Irish group breaks out, involving broken glasses and bottles. Amid the noise, the barmaid calls the Gardai. But the response is not fast enough. One local man uses his lighter to light a beer mat, of which he flings the flaming projectile at a couple of French visitors nearby. It lands on a table soaked with spilled beer, which spontaneously combusts. The barmaids and stewards are caught up in the chaos, which hinders their chances to pick up the extinguishers. By the time they do so, the fire has spread to the curtains and the electrical wiring embedded into the walls. A powerful explosion results......Fade to black.
--------------------------------------------------------
Brian and Martha are in Dublin's O'Connell St, the next day. Dozens of people, the majority being Irish rugby supporters, surround them as they make their way to the Aviva Stadium for Ireland's crunch tie.
Brian: Hang on! I need to get something from the shop first.
Martha: Don't be too long! The match is on in an hour and doors close in half an hour.
[Brian sees two Centras and three Spars in the immediate vicinity]
Brian: Now which Spar should I go in to?
He chooses the nearest shop to him. Inside, the shop assistant is berating an English-speaking French rugby supporter.
French supporter: 5.95 for a sandwich? What kind of country is this?
Assistant: Take it or leave it!
French supporter: But you're in a deep recession and still charging Celtic Tiger prices! What's wrong with ya?
Brian rejoins Martha and they continue.
----------------------------------------------------------
---RTE Two. Last advert in ad break----
[Discover Ireland advert. Heathers "Remember When" starts up]
Voice: Where will Ireland take you......today?
[Various shots of Athlone's main street. A few empty units are visible!]
Heathers: "I remember when, when we sat outside,
Digesting norriture that didn't suit their eyes....
[Part of St Peter & Paul's church has some graffiti visible]
[Athlone St Patricks Day parade]
"I need to go, I need to get away from everything"
[Pedestrians at bridge pass by the castle "Closed for renovations"]
Voice: Discover Ireland. Where will it take you?
-----Ireland Rugby theme tune (In association with Guinness "It's alive inside")-----
Ryle Nugent: This is a historic day for Irish rugby, which doesn't exactly give the Grand Slam a run for its money, but comes close. The Six Nations has returned to the new-look Landsdowne Road, or what we call now the Aviva Stadium. And isn't the atmosphere electric?
Tony Ward: The whole stadium is draped in the Tri-colour. I can barely see the red, white and blue flags in among all the green. Although I have reservations....
Nugent: Yeah, after the unpleasantness of the Euro 2012 qualifier against Russia in which Martin Hansson and other UEFA officials were brutally assaulted by a group of our own supporters, who managed to break free onto the pitch after another disputed handball goal.
Ward: We don't want the same happening at this match. The players are still nursing their wounds from last year's game in Paris.
Nugent: This is the Ireland 15. Brian O'Driscoll is back wearing the captain's armband despite the injury....
Ward: ...which he faked....
Nugent: Don't start! ...which he sustained at Leinster's Magners League match against the Ospreys last November. There are a lot of changes in the backs from the Autumn tests, with Andrew Trimble on the left wing, and Gerry Flannery once again retains his place as hooker, while Ronan O'Gara is back fit after the minor injury he had at last week's training session.
Ward: ..and this is the French line-up, with our tormentor in the past, Vincent Clerc, wearing the captain's armband, and Rougerie and Ducalcon on the wings.
Nugent: That's the last thing we need, we don't want a Croke Park repeat. Rory Best, who scored the winning try against Sale Sharks in the Heineken Cup in December, is replacement hooker on the bench.
[The French national anthem]
And there seems to be a lot of boos from a small section of the crowd in the north side.....
Ward: Probably from the Thierry Henry handball, nothing to worry about. Besides, security has improved from the old Lansdowne Road.
["Ireland's Call"]
Players: IRE-LAND.....IRE-LAND. We Never Walk Alone.
SHOU-LDER....SHOU--L--DER....[this time it's out of tune]
Ward: I've heard a cow belch the National Anthem better than this. This is not the way to fire the team up for a crucial tie like this one.
Nugent: Still would have done better than Niamh Kavanagh at last year's Eurovision though. OK, which France will turn up?
Ward: It'll probably be the France which dismantled us last season. Then again, they tend to underperform away from home. I'd say France will edge it, despite the home support.
[said home support raise their voice and drown the commentators' voices]
Nugent: ..the teams now strip away the tracksuits and we're all set. In shot, Clerc, winning his 92nd cap. The RBS Six Nations is under way for Ireland! Immediately the ref has seen a knock forward for France! Here comes Clerc! He's ripping through the Ireland back line as if it were hot butter! Flannery and Best behind him but no luck! Clerc gets the try for France, and you couldn't have asked for a worse start for Ireland...
Ward: Trimble must be kicking himself after that knock. Clerc broke Irish hearts in Croker four years back and now he's done the same here in the new Aviva Stadium. Alexis Palisson for the conversion.....
[all silent, when the conversion is on target, we can hear more boos]
France 7-0 up after one and a half minutes.
Nugent: Can Ireland bounce back from this? Paul O'Connell looking for a way through the French back-line, but Poux has the ball. Away comes Poux, who passes it to Domingo, Ireland scrambling their defense to keep the ball out of their 22, Nallet has it but it's a lineout for Ireland.
Ward: Good defensive play from Heaslip and Wallace.
Nugent: Brian O'Driscoll for the lineout, but it's Parra who has the ball! And look at the Irish back-line! It's all over the place! Parra passes it to Palisson, but Wallace intercepts. The referee's blown the whistle. It appears Wallace has fouled Palisson.
Referee:--- Pushing opponents forbidden under new rules and classified as professional foul. Penalty try for France.---
Nugent: This is turning out to be a repeat of last year's match.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Nugent: The pace of this French side is something to behold, Ireland energy sapping in defence, Heaslip having a very bad opening 30 minutes...
Suddenly we hear fireworks going off, an almighty bang can be heard from behind the French try-line.
Ward: The ref's blown the whistle. Something's going down at the North End. One of the lines-men are on the ground, which I think is seriously hurt. Stewards and paramedics are coming to his aid....
Nugent: This is really bad. I expected to see scenes like this in the bad old days of English football, but not in rugby.
[Boos and shouts from the North end.]
Ward: This is very hard to watch! Our own supporters! They're ripping up the seats....This is going to turn into Heysel if this is not contained.
Nugent: There is a lot of French rugby support in the north end of the Aviva. They're being cornered by the ever-increasing army of rioters. Security has not seen this coming. If this continues, forget Croker 07, this will be Ireland's darkest hour.
Ward: Any chance they may be Orange rioters released on bail? Because this will raise serious questions for our judicial system if they are.
Nugent: They're firing seats, wood, scaffolding, anything they can get their hands on at the French players on the pitch! Clerc's been hit! Clerc's been hit!
Ward: Look at the blood on his face! If this is revenge for 2007, this is not the way.
[whistles are heard in among the chaos]
Nugent: Whistle blown, whistle blown, the referee has declared the match abandoned....[Ward interrupts him]
Ward: If there are any children watching this, I suggest they switch off or turn the channel now. Word has just come in from the North side that one of the rioters have snatched a newborn from one of the French supporters and fired.----
Nugent: Don't say any more! Evacuation is in place! The crowd are desperately trying to get out of the stadium ---
---------------------------------------------------
In among the evacuations. Brian and Martha are on their seats.
Brian: Looks like Currys anti-French World Cup ads have really gotten to those lot. Scumbags.
Martha: We'd better go! Now! Before they get to our side.
[a hail of fireworks disperse among the crowd. Cue lots of screaming. Many of them, including Brian, Martha scarper onto the pitch. A woman and her young child look on in stunned silence.....]
They look on through the smoke and see into the north end, as a rioter takes off his Irish rugby jersey and reveals a black T-shirt with skull logo underneath....then reveals a concealed AK-47 assault rifle....
Female voice: [screaming] COMBAT 18!!!!! EVERYBODY, RUN!!! NOW!!!!!
The rioter lets rip with his assault rifle on the crowd below. Pandemonium instantly ensues as they rush for the exits. Two people trip up on the Heineken billboards before scarpering into the stands. The rest are in a frenzied dash for the exit in the south side. AK-47 shots can be heard from the North end, but the smoke from the fireworks and distance from the South where the crowd are ensure nobody suffers a direct hit.
------------------------------------------------------
Back to RTE commentary....
Ward: Shots fired! Shots fired! I really hope nobody is hurt down there!
Nugent: And we know our supporters wouldn't willingly go on rampages like these. The rioters are taking off their jerseys and ----
Ward: Combat 18. The same scum which ripped up Lansdowne Road in 1995. They're back, and this time they've brought the whole artillery.
Nugent: Word has gone out to the Garda superintendent that this is no ordinary riot, and it's a potential bloodbath. Armoured riot squads have been deployed.
Ward: A couple of Orange rioters are among the Combat 18 group and continue ripping up the stands. The stadium is virtually empty now and the riot squad can be sent in. Back to you, George Hook, what do you make of this horrible tragedy?
Hook: I only specialise in rugby rivalries, not rivalries that involve blood....
Nugent: All right, all right, okay. But given the exceptional circumstances, what are the implications for Ireland? Where do we go from here?
Hook: If the IRB turn a blind eye toward this and conclude it was our support who started these riots, it'll be back to the RBS Five Nations next year. Contested by Italy, Wales, France, Scotland and England.
Nugent: Hopefully the IRB will view video footage closely and expose Combat 18.
[Riot squad and Combat 18 engage in hail of bullets]
Hook: Can we have Croke Park back, dear GAA? This is more like the Baghdad Aviva Stadium and not our own---
----------------------------------------------------------
AA Roadwatch chopper over the Aviva Stadium area.
AA Roadwatch pilot: Traffic is at a standstill in Ballsbridge as Irish rugby supporters escape the riots unfolding in the Aviva Stadium pitch. Traffic lights are out in the Dublin 4 area.
On the ground, Brian and Martha continue scampering along with many others as gunshots continue to ring around the area.
Martha: Jesus....the new stadium is on fire!!
The sound of AK-47 assault rifle eminate closer....
Brian: Keep running! Combat 18's out of their cage!
Rifle shots pierce car windows and tyres. One empty car explodes in spectacular ball of flame! Cue hurried panic among the dispersing crowd as they rush into back alleys and shortcuts. We follow Brian and Martha's frantic footsteps as bullets rain all around, eventually they enter O'' Connell Street. An explosion can be heard....
Brian: Holy shit! They've brought grenades!
Combat 18 rioters and Garda riot squad members follow the crowd into O'Connell Street. "Oh no, not the Orange riots all over again" whimper one female squad member.
---------------------------------------------------------
We are in the ground floor of HMV Henry Street as punters browse, the sound of Cathy Davey's new album serenating the area.
Punter 1: Owl City album for 2.99?
Punter 2: I always knew "Fireflies" was a one hit wonder.
Other punters: [wearing black T-shirts] Basement. Let's see if the new In Flames album is out.
Dunno if it can top "The Jester Race". "A Sense of Purpose" wasn't that great.
Other punters: I loved that last series of "The Inbetweeners"
Oh look! Glee season 2 vol 1 out already!
Simpsons season 20 not flying off the shelves-----
The sound of grenade fire drowns out Cathy Davey's "Little Red". Punters drop objects and rush outside.
.....and witness the grenade explosion compromise the foundations of the Spire, so much that it buckles and cracks. Like a tree being uprooted in a Force 11 gale, the hard rock of the Spire bends over in the direction of Henry Street. With an almighty bang, the 398 ft structure spectacularly drops ontp the street and shoppers below....Cue scampering into any open shop door thay can find. The unfortunate still outside are crushed by the sheer weight of combined rock and stainless steel as the Spire, upon impact, is split into hundreds of fragments, destroying several shopfronts as it does so.....
-------------------------------------------------------------
Brian and Martha jump traffic at O'Connell Bridge and scamper into Fitzsimons Hotel nearby.
Martha: [panting] I think we're safe now.
Brian: [panting] They're over on the other side of the bridge. We're far away from them now, I believe.
Instead of Six Nations rugby showing, the 42-inch TV in the foyer is tuned to Sky News. "ORANGE RIOTS ACT II" main headline flashing as pictures of the Aviva Stadium and street war are shown.
Sky News reporter: I couldn't believe what I was seeing before my eyes....oh my God....the Spire is in mere fragments on the Henry Street tarmac...I do hope no one was killed...
SN newscaster: We have to hold you there, there's breaking news coming in from Paris. Combat 18 members are rioting as we speak, at the foot of the Eiffel Tower.....
Paris correspondent: [from tall building rooftop] Indeed there's serious rioting in the streets! I'm reporting from up here in this building to keep safe, and......[loud bangs from Eiffel Tower base] Jesus! I don't believe this! This is not a riot, this is an all-out terrorist attack! Paris is about to lose its skyline....[in a massive cloud of dust, the tower slowly collapses, just like tower one of the World Trade Center in 9/11] I can't bear to watch...!
SN newscaster: Are you still there?---
Suddenly, three Combat 18 members burst into the foyer. With no warning, and as we descend into slow motion, they fire their AK-47's on the crowd, including Brian and Martha, who are caught in their crosshairs......
Martha: [in searing pain from hail of bullets] Brian........BRIAN!!!!
Brian looks at Martha, then the approaching Combat 18 member, then fade to white......
-------------------------------------------------------------------
We hear the sound of a gale force wind at full force. A newspaper strews along Lansdowne Road pavement, the date reading "March 15 2014". We then look at the Aviva Stadium...
"TO LET - 1,459 FT PROPERTY AND OFFICE SPACE. SUITABLE FOR USE AS A MIXED-USE FACILITY"
Then we open up in Limerick. Munster's Thomond Park is displaying the same To Let sign.....
The same can be spotted in Tolka Park in Dublin, the RDS, Dubarry Park in Athlone.
Eventually we are at Connacht's Sportsground in Galway, with the same fate. A radio can be heard from Ivy House B & B nearby.
Galway Bay FM: In today's sport, the draw for Euro 2016 has been made, and this is the first European Championship qualifiers without the Republic of Ireland, having relinquished FIFA membership in the wake of the 2/11 terrorist attacks. England are drawn against France and Bulgaria. In the RBS Five Nations championship, England edged out France in Twickenham by 27 to 25, and Italy beat Scotland in a close match, the final scoreline 21-19. Wales' preparation for their crunch tie with England next week has been severely hampered by Jenkins' hamstring injury.....
-------------------------------------------------------------END--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Roscommon county's three step plan to conquering the er, country
First: they have former convict Luke Ming flanagan in the Dail;
Step Two: get St Brigids into the All Ireland club footie final. Roscommon's rural pubs will actually be packed on St Paddy's afternoon for once! Score one for South Roscommon, always ridiculed by its peers in the other regions.
Step Three: in April, some knitting world record thingy.
Step Two: get St Brigids into the All Ireland club footie final. Roscommon's rural pubs will actually be packed on St Paddy's afternoon for once! Score one for South Roscommon, always ridiculed by its peers in the other regions.
Step Three: in April, some knitting world record thingy.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)