"BLUBBERING SUNDAY"

My Testimonial
By: Mairead A (Bray)

To: MaxiSlim(tm), John's Pharmacy, O'Connell St, Dublin

Hi, I'm Mairead. I took your slim plan about 7 days ago from your pharmacy after seeing an ad for MaxiSlim on the front window:

Feeling Overweight?
Both bicycle tyres bursting when you sit down on the saddle?
Need a trim body FAST?
You can't get any more thin with MAXI SLIM (tm) !
Clinic instore!
Don't forget to take our nutritional supplements* twice a day!

* Warning: results may differ from desired.

The doctors told me after a recent check-up that I was four-stone overweight. I tried everything to shift the weight but it won't budge. So I took up the clinic that day.

-----------Day 1-----------

I was with about 9 or 10 other slimmers. The nutritional therapist, who introduced herself as Beatrice, was noticeably blushy and of a very stocky build. I thought a far slimmer therapist would have provided a better role model. Anyway, she began with an introductory course. I don't know what went on, but she obviously flunked her teacher's course. To paraphrase that: "Chocolate's bad...m'kay?....oh..oh...what else makes you fat....Oh yeah, biscuits are bad m'kay? Don't go near biscuits!" Like she's only stating the obvious. I don't pay 200 euro to hear free information, alright? Tubs of Maxi-Slim supplements were handed out at the end of the lecture. She told us to take two tablets per day, morning and evening. I took the first tablet that night, but it wielded little effect. I was still four stone overweight the next morning.

-------Day 2--------

I took another tablet first thing that morning, then took a brisk walk over to the pharmacy for my next lecture. I complained to Beatrice that the pills weren't working. Beatrice told me "keep doing it for six more days to achieve desired results" So I was settled then. The lecture began with Beatrice laying out packets of chocolate digestives, Dairy Milk bars, custard creams. Oh, all ten of us were desperately hungry for these goodies. But Beatrice kept them all within her arms' reach, and demonstrated her self-centredness by eating a whole packet of choc digestives in one go, in full view of us.
At the end, Beatrice brought out tubs of Maxi-Slim mikshake mix, chocolate flavour. She instructed us to take this mix, with milk, at least once per day, on top of the supplement tablets.
So I did that. That night still yielded no results.

-------Day 3--------

Took my dose, along with the milkshake mix, the next morning. The tubs did not have an ingredients readout, so at our next lecture, I enquired why there were none mentioned, to Beatrice. She told us all will be revealed at the end of the week. On to the lecture, then.
That day's lecture was a farce. She told us the difference between Mc Vities choc digestives and Lidl choc digestives - "Wrong, dim-wits! They both are made in the same factory!" She told us about the many ways to eat a Mc Vities choc digestive - "Break it in half to make two mis-shapes, then pack them in a bag to sell to children at all their pocket money; nibble by nibble until it's all gone; dunk it in your Maxi Slim milkshake" etc
Once again, both milkshake and supplements yielded no results.

-------Day 4------

Dose and milkshake again.
Day 4's lecture was very short, it was basically how to keep your big belly in to not look fat to the general public. By now I was wondering, was this clinic a waste of time and money. The many ways to keep your belly in: "Keep the bulge under your belt; buy small and medium sized clothes, preferably from Dunnes as they are of poor quality, then load your wardrobe with them as not to set a bad example to your children; stand still and take small strides in public places as fat people tend to walk funny"
The lecture ended there. With the extra time, I took a spin over to Tullamore to see my grandkids, when I saw this Tone & Slim advert in the front window of Rose Finlay Pharmacy:

Tone & Slim
With results that really work!
More effective than your nearest rival!*
*including MaxiSlim, only available in Dublin, of which joining is inadvisable.

I stopped there. Rose told me that those who joined indeed lost at least five or more stone weight. I let out a silent "D'oh!"
My grandkids noticed my weight and made fun of me: "Lay off the chocs!" "Fatty fatty fat fat!" "Grandblubber" etc.
Tablet dose and milkshake before bed.

--------Day 5------

Routine again.
In the fifth day's lecture, Beatrice showed us how to do pull-ups, sit-ups and push-ups, something that was taught for free in PE class in school. I thought to myself, "This is the practical session? Where's the gym?" And the methods used weren't exactly Olympic gold standard, either.
For sit-ups, she told us to "lie on the floor and raise your upper body" Sit-ups also require pushing up your upper body with your hands, something that wasn't mentioned.
And don't get me started on the push-ups...
After the "session", I popped into Tesco on my way home. I noticed all the Slim Fast drinks range. I should have taken that, I thought, but I'm restricted to MaxiSlim as "taking other slimming drinks will cancel the weight-loss effect" On the way out, I noticed this sign:

Futura Pro Weight Loss Machine
One Session: 15 euro
Available at Louise's Beauty Studio, Slieve Ban View, Roscommon
Results Guaranteed!
One session far more effective than "Maxi-Slim"

I let out another silent "D'oh"

-----------Day 6---------

Routine again.
At our final lecture, yep, she told us it was our last 'cos she has fifteen new clients to "fatten, I mean, thin" I told her about the tablets and milkshake having no effects, but she replied "Don't worry, darling. It will all come to fruition first thing tomorrow morning" She thanked us for our co-operation, before revealing the ingredients of the milkshake mix. I had to jot those down:

INGREDIENTS: Sugar, hydrogenated animal oil and animal fat, glucose-fructose corn syrup, chocolate flavour (hydrogenated vegetable oil, full-fat milk, emusifier (mono and di-glycerides of fatty acids), lactose, gluten, emulsifier (Mono and di-glycerides of fatty acids), vegetable shortening, colours (beta-carozene)

One of our classmates declared: "oh crap, I'm going to have a heart attack soon" I was petrified. Beatrice asked us: "You don't like our ingredients? Tough!" Two clasmates told her: "you inhuman monster! Give us back our 200 euro!" She replied "Sorry, this clinic is non-refundable. We are above the law!" She sent us all packing, and for good measure, the pharmacy manager called all 10 of us in and told us, we were barred indefinitely from entering any of their stores.

-----Day 7-----

I wake up. I'm too heavy to get out of bed. I had to call my son to drag me over to the computer to finish this testimonial. Needless to say, my son was shocked: "You're like, 700 pounds, Mom! You could die any second!" I sat on the chair to type, but the chair instantly collapsed under my weight. A classmate rang me and told me they had to knock a wall down at her house so she can get out. She weighed 25 pounds when she joined, now she told me she's over 1200 pounds or something. I figured that's the results of the tablet supplements. MaxiSlim? Deceptive advertising indeed.

I close this testimnial on behalf of other unfortunate clients with this: F**K You.

Mairead

[close Maireadtesti.doc - Delete. "Are you sure" Yes. Empty Recycle Bin]

Reveal - it's Mary Harney, minister for health reading the letter.

Brian Cowen: Keep it up, Mary! Your MaxiSlim population "thinnng" scheme - by making them obese to the point of death or serious illness, is doing a great job. Soon we will have less people on Social Welfare. That will save us 30 euro billion and set us up nicely for the December budget.

--------END--------

Big Brother Ireland story, originally written in 2008.

"SOMETHING FOR THE FRONT COVER OF TVNOW MAGAZINE"

TV3 fanfare.

Announcer: News Tonight with Vincent Browne is coming up in an hour, but first, our law enforcers in action in Ireland's Wildest Garda Videos.

Voice: This is the Gardai in action, working to uphold the law and keep the peace.

Title music cues in; it's the theme tune to "World's Wildest Police Videos" (the John Burnell-voiced reality show)

Voice: This video was sent in just one hour ago.

A suspect is speeding along the M1, followed by three Garda vehicles.

Voice: This man is wanted for multiple counts of drug possession, with the intent to supply. The drugs are believed to have a street value of 100,000 euro.

The chase continues , but unlike on those police videos shows, it's looking good for the suspect.

Voice: Unfortunately the Garda helicopter is running low on fuel, which the force now cannot afford due to major cutbacks in last October's budget.

The suspect escapes across the border; the chasing Gardai cannot follow.

Voice: The suspect is now living the high life, along with the hundreds of criminals who have managed to evade the arms of Irish law.

Cut to ads.

The Cow & Gate ad with the three babies laughing.

Kate Moss Velvet Hour ad.

Voice: Auditions are now taking place for the first series of Celebrity Big Brother Ireland. It will take place in a luxury house somewhere in the Dublin Mountains. Closing date for entries is 23 December 2008.

Static. Fast forward to January 2009. Blank screen.

Voice: TV3 are proud to bring you the long awaited Big Brother Ireland!

Element Four "Big Brother" TV theme.

"Due to budgetary reasons, only five celebrities have been selected."

....Sorcha Furlong (Fair City)

....Laura Bermingham (model)

....Grainne Seoige

....Joe O'Shea

.....Michelle Heaton (You're A Star RTE)

"All five are about to enter our fabulous five-star Big Brother house!"

Reveal an old abandoned bungalow with broken windows. Inside there is a toilet in the kitchen and only one bedroom.

"Due to budgetary reasons we cannot afford a proper house"

Day 1. Most of the housemates are in the bedroom.

Joe: Only one frickin' bedroom?

Michelle: Yeah! Why couldn't you afford a [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]

Loudspeaker: Big Brother has assigned to all of you your first task. The first celebrity to complete the task will sleep in the one bed we have tonight. The rest will sleep on the floor!

Tonight's task is to unblock the toilet in the kitchen.

Housemates: Ew! AAAAAHH! (etc)

"If you do not complete it by the end of this song, your shopping budget will be 4 euros...between you"

Jordin Sparks "No Air" starts playing on the loudspeaker.

Sorcha: Quickly!

Michelle: Hey! This song reminds me of when I had attempted sex with Rob Ross!

Laura: That bloke from ICE, that cheaply made variety show on The Den?

Seoige: Shut up and get to work!

Joe: Hey! You shut up! People only watched our show because of your fat tits!

Seoige: THAT'S IT!

Joe and Seoige start fighting.

Laura: Hey! I got it out!

She looks at it.

Ew! Huge shit!

It's the early hours in the Big Brother bedroom. Laura is sleeping on the bed, the others on the floor.

Laura is woken up.

Laura: Something's tugging on my skirt. [She hears squeaks] Is that a friggin' RAT?

The rat jumps up on to Michelle's torso and dumps its droppings onto her while she is sleeping.

Day 2. The housemates are in the kitchen.

Laura: Mmmm...Rice Krispies, Corn Flakes, [pours milk onto desired cereal, sniffs] Best before date 1/10/2007...[throws cereal at Michelle]

Michelle: So you want a food fight eh?

A major said fight ensues.

Sorcha: Ew! Did someone do a huge dump in the toilet?

The food fight stops. Everyone looks at Joe.

Joe: [on the toilet] It wasn't me!

"This is Big Brother calling. Today's task has been set. Clean up the kitchen after you within 10 minutes or you forfeit the shopping budget!"

---------------End of week one----------------

"This is Big Brother. Everyone, please pick someone for tonight's eviction"

Michelle: Joe.

Laura: Michelle

Joe: Michelle.

Grainne: Michelle, because she's a big fat whore!

Michelle: SHUT UP BITCH!

Sorcha: Joe, because his shit is huge!

"The votes are cast. Michelle, please leave the Big Brother house"

Michelle: Thank you! I'm out of this hellhole! Last time I enter an Irish reality TV show!

After the eviction, Joe flushes the toilet after another huge dump, but the toilet goes haywire and water and human feces spread all over the kitchen.

Sorcha: I hope tomorrow's task is not a kitchen clean-up!

Day 10. The housemates are in the kitchen.

Laura: OK, this is our shopping budget What can we get for 50 euros? Ah...some bread, FRESH milk for a change.."

"This is Big Brother calling. This week's shopping has to come from Lidl, so no Kate Moss Velvet Hour perfume, Sorcha!"

-----------Big Brother's Little Brother------------

Host: ....and a flood of texts have come in about the er, chemistry between Grainne and Joe.

Ticker at the bottom of the screen.

GRAINNE OUT!!! --- Trish, Athlone

I want Sorcha to win 'cos she has big knockers! ------Catherine, Banagher, Co. Offaly

Grainne is a blood-belching vagina!!!! ----------John, Dublin 3

This show is pointless. --------Ed, Knockcroghery, Co Roscommon.

Ticker repeats itself.

Host: ...and a lot of them think that Grainne is a whore.

Back to the Big Brother house. Eviction time again, this time by public vote.

"The votes are cast. The second person to be evicted is.....Laura!"

Housemates: [with whimper] See ya, I wouldn't miss ya, Bye bitch... etc.

Day 17. The housemates are in the kitchen.

"This is Big Brother calling about the task today. Find the rats' nest that's somewhere inside this house within 10 minutes!"

Big Brother's Little Brother again, over above task action. Ticker at the bottom...

Please let this show end!!!!------Jack, Co. Kildare

This show is getting repetitive, I hope no one writes a story about it------Anne, Lisnamult, Roscommon

TV3 IS A F**KING SHIT CHANNEL--------Anon

This is TV3's crowning achievement after 10 years on air?!? TG4 is better! -------Mark, Tuam, Co Galway

The ticker itself becomes repetitive.

---------Nightly News With Vincent Browne----------

Newscaster: The main news story today. Sorcha has been evicted, leaving bitter rivals Grainne Seoige and Joe O'Shea to fight over the coveted Celebrity Big Brother crown. In other news, President Mary Mc Aleese has stepped down after eleven years in office.

Back at the BB house.

"It's Grainne & Joe left. To mark the occasion, Big Brother will play the theme tune of your chat show ad nauseam, day and night until the final!"

Seoige & O'Shea theme music, indeed ad nauseam.

Grainne and Joe look at each other. Joe imagines cutting her torso and noggin up with a butcher's knife. Grainne imagines torching Joe with petrol and lighter and disabling the water so Joe can't put out the flames.

Both engage in a huge fight involving everything in tow.

Anne Doyle: (RTE News) TV3 has scored its highest ratings in it's 10 year history last night. Hundreds of thousands of viewers tuned in to see the so-called "fight to the death" between, ahem, our chatshow personalities Grainne Seoige and Joe O'Shea, beating out last night's much hyped season premiere of Desperate Housewives, which sadly pulled in only five viewers.

The "five viewers" turn out to be those in the RTE studio managing the Desperate Housewives programmme tape.

Back at the Big Brother house. The Seoige & O'Shea theme tune continues playing over the loudspeaker.

Joe: STOP IT!!

Grainne: [throws various objects at him] Every episode of that chatshow [throws] I always had to look the other way when at the camera, [throws] 'cos you're a big fat douche!

Joe: What about the time you wanted to have sex with me? Yeah! You were mad for me, yeah! You wanted to have lots of babies!

Grainne: THAT WAS GIFT GRUB, STUPID!

Joe: No, Mario Rosenstock was backstage, watching us havin' it!

Grainne: That perv?! He's getting it now! [runs to the front door]

Joe: Where are you going? You run out that door....[front door slams shut]....you lose the final.

"This is Big Brother. Joe O'Shea, you have won by default!"

Big Brother host: Joe, we present you with your prize: 10,000 euro to fund TV3's budget for the next series of Celebrity Big Brother.

Joe O'Shea: I'd like to thank my mother, my father, who are both in their hundreds, and my solicitor, who helped me get a separation order from Grainne, and I'd also like to announce that I'm keeping this cheque for myself, and TV3 bosses, you can go f**k yourselves!

Big Brother credits.

The day after the shortened final.

TV3 announcer: Due to the unexpected early finish of Celebrity Big Brother, over the next few days we'll be showing omnibus editions of the last 20 days of Coronation Street, starting tonight.

RTE''s own chatshow, Seoige, next day.

Grainne is sitting down, staring at the ceiling.

Sile: C'mon! We have a show on the air! You can't stay here wallowing in your Big Brother loss forever!

Generic ringtone plays on Sile's phone.

RTE boss: [over phone] Thanks to your sister's vegetative state, we've lost 100% of the audience to feckin' Judge Judy.

She switches off phone, looks over at Grainne.

Sile: Nice going, Grainne! You cost me my job!

Grainne remains in said position throughout.

------ END------

Written in 2009, cleaned up in '10:

"PARISH THE THOUGHT"

Unknown Irish village. A church. It is Good Friday and it's only the priest that is reading the Passion.

Priest: "Upon this, Pilate sought to release him, but the Jews cried out...[weakly]...If you release this man, you are not Caesar's friend, everyone who makes himself a king sets himself against Caesar"

In the congregation, those in the front row are standing The back row crowd, however, are dead asleep.

Woman 1: [whispering to husband] This is a rather lame Passion readout.

Husband: Yeah, "Jesus of Nazareth" is on RTE One right now. Even with its low production values, it's 10 times better than this quote, unquote, service.

Woman 1: Did you Sky+ it?

Husband: No, there's no free space, 'cos it's full of unwatched Jerry Springers!

Woman 1: My bad! Don't shout too loud, otherwise the priest can somehow hear you! [sighs]

The priest continues: When Jesus had received the vinegar, he said, "It is finished". And bowing his head, he gave up his spirit.

All kneel and pause a moment.

During the pause, someone's mobile rings.

Voice: Na na na na na, I got a text and you can't see it...

Woman: [to her son] Feckin' eejit! I told you to turn off your phone!

Her son, nevertheless, opens his text and reads it

"This is MOBI. We're afraid there is a disprecancy with your bank account. Are you aware that by obtaining the "Na na" ringtone, you agreed to this 30 euro a month subscription service?"

He sighs.

Son: F**k! Shit!

Priest: "For those that do not believe in God"...and I believe there's a heretic among you.

Woman: Now look what you done! You're making a holy show in front of everyone!

Son: I didn't want to come to this dingy rat-infested church anyway.

Priest: Now we pass the collection plates.

Strangely, we rarely hear the sound of coins dropping this time round. The final tally reveals three envelopes and one other reading: "Church Salvation Fund - Suggested Donation: 20.00 euro"

The priest sighs.

Veneration of the cross. Instead of kissing the cross, two people in the queue spit on it...

Eucharistic minister: Stop it! Show a little respect for our dead, you little hoodlum!

Man 1: Ooh...we're really scared!

Man 2: Yeah, what are the dead going to do about it? Rise from their grave?

Majority of the back row leave after Communion.

After Mass.

Eucharistic minister: [looking at the collection plates] If we don't reach our target soon, we'll be looking at a village without a parish.

Priest: And I'll be another statistic on the village's growing live register. This village is losing touch with religion. There's no interest in vocations to the priesthood anymore. [sighs] May Jesus's death wash away our people's sins, especially what unfolded at our service today.

Eucharistic minister: If only we had a play, an original one, for things like this. C'mon! Someone's writing this as we speak, 'cos of the time saved...

Priest: ...yeah, due to low interest, even on a glorious evening like this, there's no Stations of the Cross.

Eucharistic minister: Better make the effort for tomorrow night. The bishop will be visiting.

Priest: He'll be evaluating the funds and next week, running an audit on the church's finances, and if they're not up to scratch, we'll be out of a job.

Eucharistic minister: Oh, crap!

Priest: Now, now, don't use that language in the Lord's house.

Eucharistic minister: Okay, sorry. Be seeing you.

Next day, in one's house.

Mother: Jack, get off that computer! It's time for church!

Jack: But mom! Emma could be writing on my wall on my Bebo page right now!

Mother: She could be writing "What is your bank account details and sort code" on that thing! And what did I tell you about that website? Only pirates, paedophiles and sex offenders posing as young girls use it! Now, get off that thing or I'm cancelling the broadband subscription!

The Easter Vigil. The entire front row is "RESERVED" but there are no takers. The middle and back rows aren't exactly densely packed either. Cue next shot to a pub, which is packed to capacity for the Man Utd v Liverpool Premiership game.

Sky Sports V/O: Whatever the result, Man Utd are going to buy the Premiership trophy for the third successive season

Liverpool fans in crowd: [shouting] UNITED ARE WANKERS! UNITED ARE WANKERS!

There are kids in the crowd. One man pulls the age old Cidona/Bulmers trick on one of the kids.

Man: Come on kid! Drink your Cidona!

The kid drinks the Bulmers....

Man 2: [to other] Wow, great atmosphere. Much better than yesterday's Mass...bloody hell I should have stayed at home.

Man 3: Holy Saturday mass is on now.

Man 2: Yeah, low-budget. A holy show all right.

At the church.

Priest: [the lights are put out. He holds up a candle] Christ our Light.

Crowd: [holding lit candles] Thanks to be God.

The lights are put on.

Priest: Glory to God in the highest, and peace to his people on Earth.

The church bell can be heard, but on the third chime, a crashing noise can be felt from inside.

Priest: Oh God....

A church worker runs in.

Church worker: Father, the church bell is now sitting on the ground! You don't want to look at it!

Priest: Just what we don't need right now. [continues Mass, although stressed] Lord God, heavenly King, Almighty God and Father...

A kid in the middle row accidentally rubs his candle with the draped curtains next to his seat, setting them alight.

Woman 1: Quick, quick! Put it out! Put it out!

Priest: Everyone, blow out your candles!

A fire extinguisher is quickly brought in, a church worker uses it to quickly put out the flames.

Bishop: [at the altar] This parish is on the bubble.

The Epistle, and Gospel, run without trouble.

Priest: And now we renew our baptismal vows. So, do you reject Satan?

Kid in crowd: [audible] I don't!

The kid is wearing a Cradle of Filth T-shirt.

Kid's mother: Shut up! You're in a lot of trouble when we get home.

Communion. Then afterward.

Priest: ...we ask you, through Christ our Lord, Amen. Now I'd like to say a few words. I am very disappointed in how the Easter Triddum turned out. If there's someone I'd like to thank, it's the reader, myself, and the eucharistic minister. For those with any interest in the parish, there's rosary and benediction on tomorrow evening at...

He stops talking, as he's suddenly out of breath. He collapses..

Eucharistic minister: Get the doctors, quick!

A dozen people surround him. The priest is put on a stretcher and wheeled to a waiting ambulance van outside.

Things calm down.The bishop takes the priest's place on the altar.

Bishop: The doctors have to confirm whether it is a stroke or a heart attack. We don't know wheteher he'll be OK or not Seeing as this is a truly unforseen circumstance, Easter Sunday mass and Rosary/Benediction have been called off.

The Lord be with you. [no reaction] And also with you. The mass is ended, alleluia, alleluia.

Unlike other Holy Saturdays, the congregation depart in silence.

Man: I knew I should have gone to Mass in town.

Man 2: Yeah, the cathedral there is better.

Easter Sunday, the next day. The phone rings in Jack's house.

Jack's mother: Who's speaking.....he had a stroke? ......Is he okay?....Lord have mercy on him, his health is deteoriating.....[she starts crying]

She puts down the phone.

Jack has Kings of Leon "Sex On Fire" blaring in the sitting room, where the PC is.

Jack's mother: I'm going down to the hospital to see the priest. He's not very well.

Jack: Okay, see ya, Bye.

Jack's mother: You don't give a shit, Jack! While you are making contacts with all those sex offenders on the net, your local priest is in a hospital bed fighting for his life! You have God to answer to, son.

Jack: Like I care!

Jack checks his Gmail.

Bebo Emma has posted you a message 11:51PM

hi jack I luv u so much can we get married sometime, but 1st i need to pick up wedding dress can i av yr bank a/c details and sort code i need to borrow some monies off u. i think ur great. luv emma

Jack: Where's my bank card...there it is. Now giving her my details.....There.

The phone rings.

Jack: Hello.

Jack's mother: Hi, Jack, just to let you know the sad news. Our parish priest has passed away. [sobs] I don't know what to do, there is no vocations and we haven't raised enough money to save the church.

Jack: [feigning] Oh...balls.

A large crowd gather at the funeral three days later. The bishop is conducting the ceremony.

Bishop: The passing on of our Priest cannot have come at a worse time for our parish. Donations are patchy, collections are sparse. As you can see, this church is in a dire state. The bell isn't even working. Which means the Priest cannot get a proper send-off to the cemetery. The audit of the church's finances are in, and it's not very good news. If you need Confessions or otherwise, try the town cathedral, as there are now no priests in the Parish to keep our church going.

Sunday morning. The following defies spoken words.

No cars parked outside in the carpark opposite the church. The main doors are shut on what is supposed to be peak Mass hours.

A sign is planted at the gate: NOTICE OF PLANNING PERMISSION. For demolition of existing structure and erection of 5 terraced houses and septic tank.

A bulldozer's radio plays White Lies "Farewell To The Fairground"

Song: "Farewell to the fairground. These rides aren't working anymore..."

...as that bulldozer and another work on demolishing the church. The spire along with on-top crucifix crumble to the ground and smash into pieces on the tarmac. The same fate applies to the Jesus and Mary statues. Stained glass windows are smashed. Childrens' art works are seen buried in the rubble left over from the interior and the altar.

Day by day, the rubble is cleared.

One week later, we see the unusual and unique sight of a village minus a church.

Cars pass through the village without stopping. The same applies to beer and food delivery trucks.....Without those, stocks in the village shop and pub slowly dwindle, and one week later, both have "To Let" signs up.

At Jack's house.

Jack's mother: [to him] Can you pay off that internet bill you racked up at the post office in town, 'cos thanks to the village losing its church, even the post doesn't want anything to do with us.

Jack: I can't Mom! Emma cleaned out all 1000 euro in my bank account!

Jack's mother: Bastard! Serves you right, you eejit! I'm cancelling the thing first thing tomorrow!

----------------------END------------------

Original story.

Hello, all Starfleet cadets! For the first blog post, an original story written by myself in 2009, cleaned up for the web this year.



"ERROR IN THE FAMILY"

Open on a brand new day. It's nearly 9:00 a.m.
Jackie: Patrick, get up! You too, Ken! Rise and shine! It's time for work!
Patrick: Jackie, I mean, Mom! I'm very tired! Work doesn't start until I want it to!
Jackie: Pat, your boss rang me yesterday and said if you'e not in work right now, you will be sacked, and you won't be entitled to any dole for another six weeks. And you know what happens in the Social Welfare office, the inspector will give you a right hammering.
Patrick: Tell him to shut the f**k up!

Jackie leaves for work. Three hours later, Patrick and Ken stumble out of bed.

"So this is the story. I have two sons who are now unemployed and who are wasting my ESB. Freeloading, I'm telling you. They won't do anything around the house, and they'll shout "SHUT THE F**KING HELL UP, YOU COW!" whenever I confront them. I don't know what to do"
----Jackie at her office, chatting.

Another brand new day
Jackie: Pat! Ken! You're going to have to paint the fence today, the two of ye! It's in a horrid state, I have two tins of garden teak paint out in the shed. If it's not done by the time I'm home, you will both be sorry.
Ken: Shut the f**k up!
Patrick: Paint it yourself!
Jackie: I can't! I have an ailing back and doctors told me not to bend. You two can! Besides, it's my house, and you're only my tenants!
Patrick: Since when is it your house? The deed was signed over to me when you said I was responsible for everything in it!
Jackie: It's my name on the ESB, phone and Sky bills! That reminds me of...what was I going to say to you...
Patrick: "What was I going to say..." You belong in a nursing home, you fat Alzheimer's-diseased cow!
Jackie: Don't you EVER talk to me like that! Now I'm late for work! If I don't see that fence done, I'll kill you.

Later that day. The fence sits there, dull, dirty and unpainted. The two boys are inside, watching television.

Ninja Warrior, a sports entertainment show, is on Challenge.
Stuart Hall: [on TV] Toshihiro Takeda is over the barrel climb swiftly, now it's the fiendish, devilish, rolling log. Seven challengers have failed on this obstacle so far, after some joker spread grease all over it the previous night.
Patrick: Wow! Someone's actually cleared it! That is a bastard obstacle.
Ken: Would you like to be on that show? Would you like to be a Ninja Warrior? Oh wait....you can't! You're too fat!
Patrick throws a sliotar, (which is lying on the floor) at Ken.
Patrick: I happen to be the captain of St Brigid's hurling team, you skank!
Back to Ninja Warrior.
Stuart Hall: Will Takeda be the first competitor today to clear the first stage? He's reached the final element with over 30 seconds in hand. Surely he'll make light work of the rope climb and bang that button......Oh no! The rope's snapped! He's in the water!

Ken: What else is on?
Busted on the Job IV, new to Zone Reality.
Host: Dublin, Ireland. In a framing shop, this employee clearly does not have her clients on her mind. She is watching a YouTube music video. And the shop does not have a licence for public performance of music!

The sound of a car crossing the front gate.
Patrick: Oh no! She's home! Quick! Get to the fence, now!
At the fence...
Jackie: [sees them outside, starting the job] What did you do all day! Sit inside watching television! That is not good enough!
Ken: [brushing the fence with obviously no paint] All done!

That night, Ken runs to the sitting room.
Ken: That's it! I've made the modifications to the Sky box. That bitch will not know what hit her!
Patrick: Serves her right for bossing us around!
They hit to their rooms. Jackie sits down on her armchair., thoughts in her head...
Jackie: Lost is on. I've been waiting for this to start. [she switches on the Sky remote]
Sky message: "Insert your Sky viewing card"

Jackie: [shouts] BOYS!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!

Laughter from the boys' room. Jackie bursts in swiftly.
Jackie: Give me back my Sky card!
Patrick: No. Not until you stop bossing us around.
Jackie: If you don't give me back my card, I am throwing you both out of the house right now! Now give it back!
Ken: Here you go.
The Sky card is in two pieces! Jackie is shocked.
Jackie: [starts crying] Well, F**K YOU ANYWAY!
She spanks Ken immediately.
Patrick: How dare you do that! I am calling child protection services!
Jackie: I have the right to spank you whenever I want. Now go to sleep!
Ken is bruised.
Ken: I wish you were dead!
Jackie: You wish you never said that, 'cos when I die, I'm coming back to haunt you! Now, go to sleep!

Next morning.
Ken is watching "Ireland AM" on TV3, on aerial analog TV.
Patrick pulls a large soundsystem, with two speakers, in from the shed outside.
Patrick: Ken, look at this. This is the latest Sony surround sound system. Hook it up to the TV, now!
Ken: Where did you get that?
Patrick: I got it in Power City just before I got fired. I hid it in the back shed, well away from mother's prying hands.

Martin King: [on TV, surround sound]...there'll be perhaps one or two showers in the North...
Ken: [groans] The surround sound is wasted on this! Patrick! Bravo 2, now!
Patrick: You ripped up the viewing card.
Ken: Oh.....sh*t!
Patrick: Nice idea you prick! [raises his fists at Ken] Now we only have a bunch of crappy free channels!
Ken: [wrestling with him] It was your idea to play that prank on her!
Patrick: But I didn't tell you to rip up the...now we have nothing to watch!

During the fight, Patrick rolls over the Sky remote. The Sky box switches on; it is tuned to radio station Xfm.
Foo Fighters - "The Pretender" is playing.

Patrick: How do you like this for breakfast? [throws a fork at Ken]
Ken falls on the surround sound remote controls, which are lying on the floor. His backside hits down hard on the volume button, which racks the volume up to max.
[words not audible]
Ken: [words not audible]
All we can hear is the sound of Dave Grohl's voice. The floor shakes. Chorus...
What if I say I'm not like the others,
What if I say I'm not another
...one of your plays? You're the pretender....
...as the ground shakes up Main Street in the town from the noise. Glasses rattle and smash at a jewellers; likewise with frames and antiques at a variety shop.
Jackie: [to cashier] "Exorcism for Dummies" I'd like that, please.
She buys the book. Back at the house....
Patrick: [words not audible]
The TV short circuits, which swiftly stops the music. A fire erupts from the surround sound system, and quickly engulfs the living room.
Ken: Oh...............f**k!
Fire trucks quickly race to the scene. At the same time, Jackie pulls in on her own car.She is shocked.
Jackie: What the....
She steps out of the car and runs in through the (smoking) back door. She surveys the damaged kitchen and living room.

With stress levels dangerously high, she collapses......
Ken and Patrick look on in horror....then a little smile spreads on Ken's face.
Ken: [whispers] The house is ours.
Patrick's face embroidens with a smile. Jackie's body is wheeled away on a stretcher.

A congregation, including Ken and Patrick (who look bored) leave the graveyard at Jackie's funeral.

Ken and Patrick are asleep one night, until they are disturbed by a loud noise.
Ken: Pat, go and see what that is.
Pat does so, checks the living room and kitchen, with traces of smoke from the fire earlier.
He enters another room elsewhere. Suddenly, the door slams shut.....
A wind brews up inside the room.
Jackie: [voiceover] I told you I'd come back!
Objects start flying at high speed at Pat.
Patrick: Mom, please! I'll be good! I'll be good! [a candle strikes his head at tremondous speed] Ow! Stop it!
Ken bursts into the room.
Ken: Mom?! But you're dead!
Jackie: [terrorises her sons as more objects, including sharp knives fly at them, requiring them to make sharp dodging moves] And I now have the upper hand! It's going to be like this for the rest of your life, you bastards!
Ken: [sly] Oh no, it won't!
One of the objects flying around is her "Exorcism for Dummies" book. Ken catches it.
Ken: Pat, if you can see it, turn on the light!
Pat: I see it!
Ken: Now, Mother, it's going to be like this for the rest of eternity!
He reads a chant off chapter 1, section 3, "Sending your unwanted pest to Hell"

The chant is in Latin.
"Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica..."

Jackie: No! No! NOOOOOOO!!! F**K YOU PAT! F**K YOU KEN!
As Ken continues reading out the exorcism chant, the ground opens, revealing a bright orange light. The sounds of souls being tormented and screaming can be heard from within....Jackie is swiftly pulled into it, her skin bursting into flames as she does so. She lets out a loud shriek as the ground reverts to normal, another lost soul in Hades.

Ken: Let's get back to sleep.
Patrick: Will do.
They leave the room, smiling.

------------------End------------------