"ERROR IN THE FAMILY"
Open on a brand new day. It's nearly 9:00 a.m.
Jackie: Patrick, get up! You too, Ken! Rise and shine! It's time for work!
Patrick: Jackie, I mean, Mom! I'm very tired! Work doesn't start until I want it to!
Jackie: Pat, your boss rang me yesterday and said if you'e not in work right now, you will be sacked, and you won't be entitled to any dole for another six weeks. And you know what happens in the Social Welfare office, the inspector will give you a right hammering.
Patrick: Tell him to shut the f**k up!
Jackie leaves for work. Three hours later, Patrick and Ken stumble out of bed.
"So this is the story. I have two sons who are now unemployed and who are wasting my ESB. Freeloading, I'm telling you. They won't do anything around the house, and they'll shout "SHUT THE F**KING HELL UP, YOU COW!" whenever I confront them. I don't know what to do"
----Jackie at her office, chatting.
Another brand new day
Jackie: Pat! Ken! You're going to have to paint the fence today, the two of ye! It's in a horrid state, I have two tins of garden teak paint out in the shed. If it's not done by the time I'm home, you will both be sorry.
Ken: Shut the f**k up!
Patrick: Paint it yourself!
Jackie: I can't! I have an ailing back and doctors told me not to bend. You two can! Besides, it's my house, and you're only my tenants!
Patrick: Since when is it your house? The deed was signed over to me when you said I was responsible for everything in it!
Jackie: It's my name on the ESB, phone and Sky bills! That reminds me of...what was I going to say to you...
Patrick: "What was I going to say..." You belong in a nursing home, you fat Alzheimer's-diseased cow!
Jackie: Don't you EVER talk to me like that! Now I'm late for work! If I don't see that fence done, I'll kill you.
Later that day. The fence sits there, dull, dirty and unpainted. The two boys are inside, watching television.
Ninja Warrior, a sports entertainment show, is on Challenge.
Stuart Hall: [on TV] Toshihiro Takeda is over the barrel climb swiftly, now it's the fiendish, devilish, rolling log. Seven challengers have failed on this obstacle so far, after some joker spread grease all over it the previous night.
Patrick: Wow! Someone's actually cleared it! That is a bastard obstacle.
Ken: Would you like to be on that show? Would you like to be a Ninja Warrior? Oh wait....you can't! You're too fat!
Patrick throws a sliotar, (which is lying on the floor) at Ken.
Patrick: I happen to be the captain of St Brigid's hurling team, you skank!
Back to Ninja Warrior.
Stuart Hall: Will Takeda be the first competitor today to clear the first stage? He's reached the final element with over 30 seconds in hand. Surely he'll make light work of the rope climb and bang that button......Oh no! The rope's snapped! He's in the water!
Ken: What else is on?
Busted on the Job IV, new to Zone Reality.
Host: Dublin, Ireland. In a framing shop, this employee clearly does not have her clients on her mind. She is watching a YouTube music video. And the shop does not have a licence for public performance of music!
The sound of a car crossing the front gate.
Patrick: Oh no! She's home! Quick! Get to the fence, now!
At the fence...
Jackie: [sees them outside, starting the job] What did you do all day! Sit inside watching television! That is not good enough!
Ken: [brushing the fence with obviously no paint] All done!
That night, Ken runs to the sitting room.
Ken: That's it! I've made the modifications to the Sky box. That bitch will not know what hit her!
Patrick: Serves her right for bossing us around!
They hit to their rooms. Jackie sits down on her armchair., thoughts in her head...
Jackie: Lost is on. I've been waiting for this to start. [she switches on the Sky remote]
Sky message: "Insert your Sky viewing card"
Jackie: [shouts] BOYS!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!
Laughter from the boys' room. Jackie bursts in swiftly.
Jackie: Give me back my Sky card!
Patrick: No. Not until you stop bossing us around.
Jackie: If you don't give me back my card, I am throwing you both out of the house right now! Now give it back!
Ken: Here you go.
The Sky card is in two pieces! Jackie is shocked.
Jackie: [starts crying] Well, F**K YOU ANYWAY!
She spanks Ken immediately.
Patrick: How dare you do that! I am calling child protection services!
Jackie: I have the right to spank you whenever I want. Now go to sleep!
Ken is bruised.
Ken: I wish you were dead!
Jackie: You wish you never said that, 'cos when I die, I'm coming back to haunt you! Now, go to sleep!
Next morning.
Ken is watching "Ireland AM" on TV3, on aerial analog TV.
Patrick pulls a large soundsystem, with two speakers, in from the shed outside.
Patrick: Ken, look at this. This is the latest Sony surround sound system. Hook it up to the TV, now!
Ken: Where did you get that?
Patrick: I got it in Power City just before I got fired. I hid it in the back shed, well away from mother's prying hands.
Martin King: [on TV, surround sound]...there'll be perhaps one or two showers in the North...
Ken: [groans] The surround sound is wasted on this! Patrick! Bravo 2, now!
Patrick: You ripped up the viewing card.
Ken: Oh.....sh*t!
Patrick: Nice idea you prick! [raises his fists at Ken] Now we only have a bunch of crappy free channels!
Ken: [wrestling with him] It was your idea to play that prank on her!
Patrick: But I didn't tell you to rip up the...now we have nothing to watch!
During the fight, Patrick rolls over the Sky remote. The Sky box switches on; it is tuned to radio station Xfm.
Foo Fighters - "The Pretender" is playing.
Patrick: How do you like this for breakfast? [throws a fork at Ken]
Ken falls on the surround sound remote controls, which are lying on the floor. His backside hits down hard on the volume button, which racks the volume up to max.
[words not audible]
Ken: [words not audible]
All we can hear is the sound of Dave Grohl's voice. The floor shakes. Chorus...
What if I say I'm not like the others,
What if I say I'm not another
...one of your plays? You're the pretender....
...as the ground shakes up Main Street in the town from the noise. Glasses rattle and smash at a jewellers; likewise with frames and antiques at a variety shop.
Jackie: [to cashier] "Exorcism for Dummies" I'd like that, please.
She buys the book. Back at the house....
Patrick: [words not audible]
The TV short circuits, which swiftly stops the music. A fire erupts from the surround sound system, and quickly engulfs the living room.
Ken: Oh...............f**k!
Fire trucks quickly race to the scene. At the same time, Jackie pulls in on her own car.She is shocked.
Jackie: What the....
She steps out of the car and runs in through the (smoking) back door. She surveys the damaged kitchen and living room.
With stress levels dangerously high, she collapses......
Ken and Patrick look on in horror....then a little smile spreads on Ken's face.
Ken: [whispers] The house is ours.
Patrick's face embroidens with a smile. Jackie's body is wheeled away on a stretcher.
A congregation, including Ken and Patrick (who look bored) leave the graveyard at Jackie's funeral.
Ken and Patrick are asleep one night, until they are disturbed by a loud noise.
Ken: Pat, go and see what that is.
Pat does so, checks the living room and kitchen, with traces of smoke from the fire earlier.
He enters another room elsewhere. Suddenly, the door slams shut.....
A wind brews up inside the room.
Jackie: [voiceover] I told you I'd come back!
Objects start flying at high speed at Pat.
Patrick: Mom, please! I'll be good! I'll be good! [a candle strikes his head at tremondous speed] Ow! Stop it!
Ken bursts into the room.
Ken: Mom?! But you're dead!
Jackie: [terrorises her sons as more objects, including sharp knives fly at them, requiring them to make sharp dodging moves] And I now have the upper hand! It's going to be like this for the rest of your life, you bastards!
Ken: [sly] Oh no, it won't!
One of the objects flying around is her "Exorcism for Dummies" book. Ken catches it.
Ken: Pat, if you can see it, turn on the light!
Pat: I see it!
Ken: Now, Mother, it's going to be like this for the rest of eternity!
He reads a chant off chapter 1, section 3, "Sending your unwanted pest to Hell"
The chant is in Latin.
"Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica..."
Jackie: No! No! NOOOOOOO!!! F**K YOU PAT! F**K YOU KEN!
As Ken continues reading out the exorcism chant, the ground opens, revealing a bright orange light. The sounds of souls being tormented and screaming can be heard from within....Jackie is swiftly pulled into it, her skin bursting into flames as she does so. She lets out a loud shriek as the ground reverts to normal, another lost soul in Hades.
Ken: Let's get back to sleep.
Patrick: Will do.
They leave the room, smiling.
------------------End-
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