"BLUBBERING SUNDAY"

My Testimonial
By: Mairead A (Bray)

To: MaxiSlim(tm), John's Pharmacy, O'Connell St, Dublin

Hi, I'm Mairead. I took your slim plan about 7 days ago from your pharmacy after seeing an ad for MaxiSlim on the front window:

Feeling Overweight?
Both bicycle tyres bursting when you sit down on the saddle?
Need a trim body FAST?
You can't get any more thin with MAXI SLIM (tm) !
Clinic instore!
Don't forget to take our nutritional supplements* twice a day!

* Warning: results may differ from desired.

The doctors told me after a recent check-up that I was four-stone overweight. I tried everything to shift the weight but it won't budge. So I took up the clinic that day.

-----------Day 1-----------

I was with about 9 or 10 other slimmers. The nutritional therapist, who introduced herself as Beatrice, was noticeably blushy and of a very stocky build. I thought a far slimmer therapist would have provided a better role model. Anyway, she began with an introductory course. I don't know what went on, but she obviously flunked her teacher's course. To paraphrase that: "Chocolate's bad...m'kay?....oh..oh...what else makes you fat....Oh yeah, biscuits are bad m'kay? Don't go near biscuits!" Like she's only stating the obvious. I don't pay 200 euro to hear free information, alright? Tubs of Maxi-Slim supplements were handed out at the end of the lecture. She told us to take two tablets per day, morning and evening. I took the first tablet that night, but it wielded little effect. I was still four stone overweight the next morning.

-------Day 2--------

I took another tablet first thing that morning, then took a brisk walk over to the pharmacy for my next lecture. I complained to Beatrice that the pills weren't working. Beatrice told me "keep doing it for six more days to achieve desired results" So I was settled then. The lecture began with Beatrice laying out packets of chocolate digestives, Dairy Milk bars, custard creams. Oh, all ten of us were desperately hungry for these goodies. But Beatrice kept them all within her arms' reach, and demonstrated her self-centredness by eating a whole packet of choc digestives in one go, in full view of us.
At the end, Beatrice brought out tubs of Maxi-Slim mikshake mix, chocolate flavour. She instructed us to take this mix, with milk, at least once per day, on top of the supplement tablets.
So I did that. That night still yielded no results.

-------Day 3--------

Took my dose, along with the milkshake mix, the next morning. The tubs did not have an ingredients readout, so at our next lecture, I enquired why there were none mentioned, to Beatrice. She told us all will be revealed at the end of the week. On to the lecture, then.
That day's lecture was a farce. She told us the difference between Mc Vities choc digestives and Lidl choc digestives - "Wrong, dim-wits! They both are made in the same factory!" She told us about the many ways to eat a Mc Vities choc digestive - "Break it in half to make two mis-shapes, then pack them in a bag to sell to children at all their pocket money; nibble by nibble until it's all gone; dunk it in your Maxi Slim milkshake" etc
Once again, both milkshake and supplements yielded no results.

-------Day 4------

Dose and milkshake again.
Day 4's lecture was very short, it was basically how to keep your big belly in to not look fat to the general public. By now I was wondering, was this clinic a waste of time and money. The many ways to keep your belly in: "Keep the bulge under your belt; buy small and medium sized clothes, preferably from Dunnes as they are of poor quality, then load your wardrobe with them as not to set a bad example to your children; stand still and take small strides in public places as fat people tend to walk funny"
The lecture ended there. With the extra time, I took a spin over to Tullamore to see my grandkids, when I saw this Tone & Slim advert in the front window of Rose Finlay Pharmacy:

Tone & Slim
With results that really work!
More effective than your nearest rival!*
*including MaxiSlim, only available in Dublin, of which joining is inadvisable.

I stopped there. Rose told me that those who joined indeed lost at least five or more stone weight. I let out a silent "D'oh!"
My grandkids noticed my weight and made fun of me: "Lay off the chocs!" "Fatty fatty fat fat!" "Grandblubber" etc.
Tablet dose and milkshake before bed.

--------Day 5------

Routine again.
In the fifth day's lecture, Beatrice showed us how to do pull-ups, sit-ups and push-ups, something that was taught for free in PE class in school. I thought to myself, "This is the practical session? Where's the gym?" And the methods used weren't exactly Olympic gold standard, either.
For sit-ups, she told us to "lie on the floor and raise your upper body" Sit-ups also require pushing up your upper body with your hands, something that wasn't mentioned.
And don't get me started on the push-ups...
After the "session", I popped into Tesco on my way home. I noticed all the Slim Fast drinks range. I should have taken that, I thought, but I'm restricted to MaxiSlim as "taking other slimming drinks will cancel the weight-loss effect" On the way out, I noticed this sign:

Futura Pro Weight Loss Machine
One Session: 15 euro
Available at Louise's Beauty Studio, Slieve Ban View, Roscommon
Results Guaranteed!
One session far more effective than "Maxi-Slim"

I let out another silent "D'oh"

-----------Day 6---------

Routine again.
At our final lecture, yep, she told us it was our last 'cos she has fifteen new clients to "fatten, I mean, thin" I told her about the tablets and milkshake having no effects, but she replied "Don't worry, darling. It will all come to fruition first thing tomorrow morning" She thanked us for our co-operation, before revealing the ingredients of the milkshake mix. I had to jot those down:

INGREDIENTS: Sugar, hydrogenated animal oil and animal fat, glucose-fructose corn syrup, chocolate flavour (hydrogenated vegetable oil, full-fat milk, emusifier (mono and di-glycerides of fatty acids), lactose, gluten, emulsifier (Mono and di-glycerides of fatty acids), vegetable shortening, colours (beta-carozene)

One of our classmates declared: "oh crap, I'm going to have a heart attack soon" I was petrified. Beatrice asked us: "You don't like our ingredients? Tough!" Two clasmates told her: "you inhuman monster! Give us back our 200 euro!" She replied "Sorry, this clinic is non-refundable. We are above the law!" She sent us all packing, and for good measure, the pharmacy manager called all 10 of us in and told us, we were barred indefinitely from entering any of their stores.

-----Day 7-----

I wake up. I'm too heavy to get out of bed. I had to call my son to drag me over to the computer to finish this testimonial. Needless to say, my son was shocked: "You're like, 700 pounds, Mom! You could die any second!" I sat on the chair to type, but the chair instantly collapsed under my weight. A classmate rang me and told me they had to knock a wall down at her house so she can get out. She weighed 25 pounds when she joined, now she told me she's over 1200 pounds or something. I figured that's the results of the tablet supplements. MaxiSlim? Deceptive advertising indeed.

I close this testimnial on behalf of other unfortunate clients with this: F**K You.

Mairead

[close Maireadtesti.doc - Delete. "Are you sure" Yes. Empty Recycle Bin]

Reveal - it's Mary Harney, minister for health reading the letter.

Brian Cowen: Keep it up, Mary! Your MaxiSlim population "thinnng" scheme - by making them obese to the point of death or serious illness, is doing a great job. Soon we will have less people on Social Welfare. That will save us 30 euro billion and set us up nicely for the December budget.

--------END--------