"SOMETHING FOR THE FRONT COVER OF TVNOW MAGAZINE"
TV3 fanfare.
Announcer: News Tonight with Vincent Browne is coming up in an hour, but first, our law enforcers in action in Ireland's Wildest Garda Videos.
Voice: This is the Gardai in action, working to uphold the law and keep the peace.
Title music cues in; it's the theme tune to "World's Wildest Police Videos" (the John Burnell-voiced reality show)
Voice: This video was sent in just one hour ago.
A suspect is speeding along the M1, followed by three Garda vehicles.
Voice: This man is wanted for multiple counts of drug possession, with the intent to supply. The drugs are believed to have a street value of 100,000 euro.
The chase continues , but unlike on those police videos shows, it's looking good for the suspect.
Voice: Unfortunately the Garda helicopter is running low on fuel, which the force now cannot afford due to major cutbacks in last October's budget.
The suspect escapes across the border; the chasing Gardai cannot follow.
Voice: The suspect is now living the high life, along with the hundreds of criminals who have managed to evade the arms of Irish law.
Cut to ads.
The Cow & Gate ad with the three babies laughing.
Kate Moss Velvet Hour ad.
Voice: Auditions are now taking place for the first series of Celebrity Big Brother Ireland. It will take place in a luxury house somewhere in the Dublin Mountains. Closing date for entries is 23 December 2008.
Static. Fast forward to January 2009. Blank screen.
Voice: TV3 are proud to bring you the long awaited Big Brother Ireland!
Element Four "Big Brother" TV theme.
"Due to budgetary reasons, only five celebrities have been selected."
....Sorcha Furlong (Fair City)
....Laura Bermingham (model)
....Grainne Seoige
....Joe O'Shea
.....Michelle Heaton (You're A Star RTE)
"All five are about to enter our fabulous five-star Big Brother house!"
Reveal an old abandoned bungalow with broken windows. Inside there is a toilet in the kitchen and only one bedroom.
"Due to budgetary reasons we cannot afford a proper house"
Day 1. Most of the housemates are in the bedroom.
Joe: Only one frickin' bedroom?
Michelle: Yeah! Why couldn't you afford a [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]
Loudspeaker: Big Brother has assigned to all of you your first task. The first celebrity to complete the task will sleep in the one bed we have tonight. The rest will sleep on the floor!
Tonight's task is to unblock the toilet in the kitchen.
Housemates: Ew! AAAAAHH! (etc)
"If you do not complete it by the end of this song, your shopping budget will be 4 euros...between you"
Jordin Sparks "No Air" starts playing on the loudspeaker.
Sorcha: Quickly!
Michelle: Hey! This song reminds me of when I had attempted sex with Rob Ross!
Laura: That bloke from ICE, that cheaply made variety show on The Den?
Seoige: Shut up and get to work!
Joe: Hey! You shut up! People only watched our show because of your fat tits!
Seoige: THAT'S IT!
Joe and Seoige start fighting.
Laura: Hey! I got it out!
She looks at it.
Ew! Huge shit!
It's the early hours in the Big Brother bedroom. Laura is sleeping on the bed, the others on the floor.
Laura is woken up.
Laura: Something's tugging on my skirt. [She hears squeaks] Is that a friggin' RAT?
The rat jumps up on to Michelle's torso and dumps its droppings onto her while she is sleeping.
Day 2. The housemates are in the kitchen.
Laura: Mmmm...Rice Krispies, Corn Flakes, [pours milk onto desired cereal, sniffs] Best before date 1/10/2007...[throws cereal at Michelle]
Michelle: So you want a food fight eh?
A major said fight ensues.
Sorcha: Ew! Did someone do a huge dump in the toilet?
The food fight stops. Everyone looks at Joe.
Joe: [on the toilet] It wasn't me!
"This is Big Brother calling. Today's task has been set. Clean up the kitchen after you within 10 minutes or you forfeit the shopping budget!"
---------------End of week one----------------
"This is Big Brother. Everyone, please pick someone for tonight's eviction"
Michelle: Joe.
Laura: Michelle
Joe: Michelle.
Grainne: Michelle, because she's a big fat whore!
Michelle: SHUT UP BITCH!
Sorcha: Joe, because his shit is huge!
"The votes are cast. Michelle, please leave the Big Brother house"
Michelle: Thank you! I'm out of this hellhole! Last time I enter an Irish reality TV show!
After the eviction, Joe flushes the toilet after another huge dump, but the toilet goes haywire and water and human feces spread all over the kitchen.
Sorcha: I hope tomorrow's task is not a kitchen clean-up!
Day 10. The housemates are in the kitchen.
Laura: OK, this is our shopping budget What can we get for 50 euros? Ah...some bread, FRESH milk for a change.."
"This is Big Brother calling. This week's shopping has to come from Lidl, so no Kate Moss Velvet Hour perfume, Sorcha!"
-----------Big Brother's Little Brother------------
Host: ....and a flood of texts have come in about the er, chemistry between Grainne and Joe.
Ticker at the bottom of the screen.
GRAINNE OUT!!! --- Trish, Athlone
I want Sorcha to win 'cos she has big knockers! ------Catherine, Banagher, Co. Offaly
Grainne is a blood-belching vagina!!!! ----------John, Dublin 3
This show is pointless. --------Ed, Knockcroghery, Co Roscommon.
Ticker repeats itself.
Host: ...and a lot of them think that Grainne is a whore.
Back to the Big Brother house. Eviction time again, this time by public vote.
"The votes are cast. The second person to be evicted is.....Laura!"
Housemates: [with whimper] See ya, I wouldn't miss ya, Bye bitch... etc.
Day 17. The housemates are in the kitchen.
"This is Big Brother calling about the task today. Find the rats' nest that's somewhere inside this house within 10 minutes!"
Big Brother's Little Brother again, over above task action. Ticker at the bottom...
Please let this show end!!!!------Jack, Co. Kildare
This show is getting repetitive, I hope no one writes a story about it------Anne, Lisnamult, Roscommon
TV3 IS A F**KING SHIT CHANNEL--------Anon
This is TV3's crowning achievement after 10 years on air?!? TG4 is better! -------Mark, Tuam, Co Galway
The ticker itself becomes repetitive.
---------Nightly News With Vincent Browne----------
Newscaster: The main news story today. Sorcha has been evicted, leaving bitter rivals Grainne Seoige and Joe O'Shea to fight over the coveted Celebrity Big Brother crown. In other news, President Mary Mc Aleese has stepped down after eleven years in office.
Back at the BB house.
"It's Grainne & Joe left. To mark the occasion, Big Brother will play the theme tune of your chat show ad nauseam, day and night until the final!"
Seoige & O'Shea theme music, indeed ad nauseam.
Grainne and Joe look at each other. Joe imagines cutting her torso and noggin up with a butcher's knife. Grainne imagines torching Joe with petrol and lighter and disabling the water so Joe can't put out the flames.
Both engage in a huge fight involving everything in tow.
Anne Doyle: (RTE News) TV3 has scored its highest ratings in it's 10 year history last night. Hundreds of thousands of viewers tuned in to see the so-called "fight to the death" between, ahem, our chatshow personalities Grainne Seoige and Joe O'Shea, beating out last night's much hyped season premiere of Desperate Housewives, which sadly pulled in only five viewers.
The "five viewers" turn out to be those in the RTE studio managing the Desperate Housewives programmme tape.
Back at the Big Brother house. The Seoige & O'Shea theme tune continues playing over the loudspeaker.
Joe: STOP IT!!
Grainne: [throws various objects at him] Every episode of that chatshow [throws] I always had to look the other way when at the camera, [throws] 'cos you're a big fat douche!
Joe: What about the time you wanted to have sex with me? Yeah! You were mad for me, yeah! You wanted to have lots of babies!
Grainne: THAT WAS GIFT GRUB, STUPID!
Joe: No, Mario Rosenstock was backstage, watching us havin' it!
Grainne: That perv?! He's getting it now! [runs to the front door]
Joe: Where are you going? You run out that door....[front door slams shut]....you lose the final.
"This is Big Brother. Joe O'Shea, you have won by default!"
Big Brother host: Joe, we present you with your prize: 10,000 euro to fund TV3's budget for the next series of Celebrity Big Brother.
Joe O'Shea: I'd like to thank my mother, my father, who are both in their hundreds, and my solicitor, who helped me get a separation order from Grainne, and I'd also like to announce that I'm keeping this cheque for myself, and TV3 bosses, you can go f**k yourselves!
Big Brother credits.
The day after the shortened final.
TV3 announcer: Due to the unexpected early finish of Celebrity Big Brother, over the next few days we'll be showing omnibus editions of the last 20 days of Coronation Street, starting tonight.
RTE''s own chatshow, Seoige, next day.
Grainne is sitting down, staring at the ceiling.
Sile: C'mon! We have a show on the air! You can't stay here wallowing in your Big Brother loss forever!
Generic ringtone plays on Sile's phone.
RTE boss: [over phone] Thanks to your sister's vegetative state, we've lost 100% of the audience to feckin' Judge Judy.
She switches off phone, looks over at Grainne.
Sile: Nice going, Grainne! You cost me my job!
Grainne remains in said position throughout.
------ END------
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