Unknown Irish village. A church. It is Good Friday and it's only the priest that is reading the Passion.
Priest: "Upon this, Pilate sought to release him, but the Jews cried out...[weakly]...If you release this man, you are not Caesar's friend, everyone who makes himself a king sets himself against Caesar"
In the congregation, those in the front row are standing The back row crowd, however, are dead asleep.
Woman 1: [whispering to husband] This is a rather lame Passion readout.
Husband: Yeah, "Jesus of Nazareth" is on RTE One right now. Even with its low production values, it's 10 times better than this quote, unquote, service.
Woman 1: Did you Sky+ it?
Husband: No, there's no free space, 'cos it's full of unwatched Jerry Springers!
Woman 1: My bad! Don't shout too loud, otherwise the priest can somehow hear you! [sighs]
The priest continues: When Jesus had received the vinegar, he said, "It is finished". And bowing his head, he gave up his spirit.
All kneel and pause a moment.
During the pause, someone's mobile rings.
Voice: Na na na na na, I got a text and you can't see it...
Woman: [to her son] Feckin' eejit! I told you to turn off your phone!
Her son, nevertheless, opens his text and reads it
"This is MOBI. We're afraid there is a disprecancy with your bank account. Are you aware that by obtaining the "Na na" ringtone, you agreed to this 30 euro a month subscription service?"
He sighs.
Son: F**k! Shit!
Priest: "For those that do not believe in God"...and I believe there's a heretic among you.
Woman: Now look what you done! You're making a holy show in front of everyone!
Son: I didn't want to come to this dingy rat-infested church anyway.
Priest: Now we pass the collection plates.
Strangely, we rarely hear the sound of coins dropping this time round. The final tally reveals three envelopes and one other reading: "Church Salvation Fund - Suggested Donation: 20.00 euro"
The priest sighs.
Veneration of the cross. Instead of kissing the cross, two people in the queue spit on it...
Eucharistic minister: Stop it! Show a little respect for our dead, you little hoodlum!
Man 1: Ooh...we're really scared!
Man 2: Yeah, what are the dead going to do about it? Rise from their grave?
Majority of the back row leave after Communion.
After Mass.
Eucharistic minister: [looking at the collection plates] If we don't reach our target soon, we'll be looking at a village without a parish.
Priest: And I'll be another statistic on the village's growing live register. This village is losing touch with religion. There's no interest in vocations to the priesthood anymore. [sighs] May Jesus's death wash away our people's sins, especially what unfolded at our service today.
Eucharistic minister: If only we had a play, an original one, for things like this. C'mon! Someone's writing this as we speak, 'cos of the time saved...
Priest: ...yeah, due to low interest, even on a glorious evening like this, there's no Stations of the Cross.
Eucharistic minister: Better make the effort for tomorrow night. The bishop will be visiting.
Priest: He'll be evaluating the funds and next week, running an audit on the church's finances, and if they're not up to scratch, we'll be out of a job.
Eucharistic minister: Oh, crap!
Priest: Now, now, don't use that language in the Lord's house.
Eucharistic minister: Okay, sorry. Be seeing you.
Next day, in one's house.
Mother: Jack, get off that computer! It's time for church!
Jack: But mom! Emma could be writing on my wall on my Bebo page right now!
Mother: She could be writing "What is your bank account details and sort code" on that thing! And what did I tell you about that website? Only pirates, paedophiles and sex offenders posing as young girls use it! Now, get off that thing or I'm cancelling the broadband subscription!
The Easter Vigil. The entire front row is "RESERVED" but there are no takers. The middle and back rows aren't exactly densely packed either. Cue next shot to a pub, which is packed to capacity for the Man Utd v Liverpool Premiership game.
Sky Sports V/O: Whatever the result, Man Utd are going to buy the Premiership trophy for the third successive season
Liverpool fans in crowd: [shouting] UNITED ARE WANKERS! UNITED ARE WANKERS!
There are kids in the crowd. One man pulls the age old Cidona/Bulmers trick on one of the kids.
Man: Come on kid! Drink your Cidona!
The kid drinks the Bulmers....
Man 2: [to other] Wow, great atmosphere. Much better than yesterday's Mass...bloody hell I should have stayed at home.
Man 3: Holy Saturday mass is on now.
Man 2: Yeah, low-budget. A holy show all right.
At the church.
Priest: [the lights are put out. He holds up a candle] Christ our Light.
Crowd: [holding lit candles] Thanks to be God.
The lights are put on.
Priest: Glory to God in the highest, and peace to his people on Earth.
The church bell can be heard, but on the third chime, a crashing noise can be felt from inside.
Priest: Oh God....
A church worker runs in.
Church worker: Father, the church bell is now sitting on the ground! You don't want to look at it!
Priest: Just what we don't need right now. [continues Mass, although stressed] Lord God, heavenly King, Almighty God and Father...
A kid in the middle row accidentally rubs his candle with the draped curtains next to his seat, setting them alight.
Woman 1: Quick, quick! Put it out! Put it out!
Priest: Everyone, blow out your candles!
A fire extinguisher is quickly brought in, a church worker uses it to quickly put out the flames.
Bishop: [at the altar] This parish is on the bubble.
The Epistle, and Gospel, run without trouble.
Priest: And now we renew our baptismal vows. So, do you reject Satan?
Kid in crowd: [audible] I don't!
The kid is wearing a Cradle of Filth T-shirt.
Kid's mother: Shut up! You're in a lot of trouble when we get home.
Communion. Then afterward.
Priest: ...we ask you, through Christ our Lord, Amen. Now I'd like to say a few words. I am very disappointed in how the Easter Triddum turned out. If there's someone I'd like to thank, it's the reader, myself, and the eucharistic minister. For those with any interest in the parish, there's rosary and benediction on tomorrow evening at...
He stops talking, as he's suddenly out of breath. He collapses..
Eucharistic minister: Get the doctors, quick!
A dozen people surround him. The priest is put on a stretcher and wheeled to a waiting ambulance van outside.
Things calm down.The bishop takes the priest's place on the altar.
Bishop: The doctors have to confirm whether it is a stroke or a heart attack. We don't know wheteher he'll be OK or not Seeing as this is a truly unforseen circumstance, Easter Sunday mass and Rosary/Benediction have been called off.
The Lord be with you. [no reaction] And also with you. The mass is ended, alleluia, alleluia.
Unlike other Holy Saturdays, the congregation depart in silence.
Man: I knew I should have gone to Mass in town.
Man 2: Yeah, the cathedral there is better.
Easter Sunday, the next day. The phone rings in Jack's house.
Jack's mother: Who's speaking.....he had a stroke? ......Is he okay?....Lord have mercy on him, his health is deteoriating.....[she starts crying]
She puts down the phone.
Jack has Kings of Leon "Sex On Fire" blaring in the sitting room, where the PC is.
Jack's mother: I'm going down to the hospital to see the priest. He's not very well.
Jack: Okay, see ya, Bye.
Jack's mother: You don't give a shit, Jack! While you are making contacts with all those sex offenders on the net, your local priest is in a hospital bed fighting for his life! You have God to answer to, son.
Jack: Like I care!
Jack checks his Gmail.
Bebo Emma has posted you a message 11:51PM
hi jack I luv u so much can we get married sometime, but 1st i need to pick up wedding dress can i av yr bank a/c details and sort code i need to borrow some monies off u. i think ur great. luv emma
Jack: Where's my bank card...there it is. Now giving her my details.....There.
The phone rings.
Jack: Hello.
Jack's mother: Hi, Jack, just to let you know the sad news. Our parish priest has passed away. [sobs] I don't know what to do, there is no vocations and we haven't raised enough money to save the church.
Jack: [feigning] Oh...balls.
A large crowd gather at the funeral three days later. The bishop is conducting the ceremony.
Bishop: The passing on of our Priest cannot have come at a worse time for our parish. Donations are patchy, collections are sparse. As you can see, this church is in a dire state. The bell isn't even working. Which means the Priest cannot get a proper send-off to the cemetery. The audit of the church's finances are in, and it's not very good news. If you need Confessions or otherwise, try the town cathedral, as there are now no priests in the Parish to keep our church going.
Sunday morning. The following defies spoken words.
No cars parked outside in the carpark opposite the church. The main doors are shut on what is supposed to be peak Mass hours.
A sign is planted at the gate: NOTICE OF PLANNING PERMISSION. For demolition of existing structure and erection of 5 terraced houses and septic tank.
A bulldozer's radio plays White Lies "Farewell To The Fairground"
Song: "Farewell to the fairground. These rides aren't working anymore..."
...as that bulldozer and another work on demolishing the church. The spire along with on-top crucifix crumble to the ground and smash into pieces on the tarmac. The same fate applies to the Jesus and Mary statues. Stained glass windows are smashed. Childrens' art works are seen buried in the rubble left over from the interior and the altar.
Day by day, the rubble is cleared.
One week later, we see the unusual and unique sight of a village minus a church.
Cars pass through the village without stopping. The same applies to beer and food delivery trucks.....Without those, stocks in the village shop and pub slowly dwindle, and one week later, both have "To Let" signs up.
At Jack's house.
Jack's mother: [to him] Can you pay off that internet bill you racked up at the post office in town, 'cos thanks to the village losing its church, even the post doesn't want anything to do with us.
Jack: I can't Mom! Emma cleaned out all 1000 euro in my bank account!
Jack's mother: Bastard! Serves you right, you eejit! I'm cancelling the thing first thing tomorrow!
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